Closed II

Rather than commenting on my own posts. I will give this one its own special post. I'm sorry there will be a couple of post-Hamish post-Mortems. This is what I wanted to say with the wisdom of Dr Jordan

many middle-aged singles are still trying to settle how they experience themselves on the inside while not allowing those unsettled feelings to interfere or complicate their love relationships. Quite frankly, the most defensive way of doing this is to keep oneself alone and seemingly free of confusion. For some middle-aged singles, these unsettled feelings get concealed behind a very busy work or social calendar. The deeper problem, however, is being unprepared to handle the psychological issues that will most likely arise if the plunge into love is taken. So the individual remains “closed” to love, no matter how involved he seems with dating and social activities.

I realise this closed theory is only one of a number (ie yes he may simply have found someone else) Anyhoooo... nice fellow as he was letting something like this drag on as long as it did. Being totally locked down while somebody tries to love you is a type of toxic behaviour, and has ended with all the hurt ( he possibly suffered through previous lovers or FOO) being transferred to me.  I am in total agreement with Rachel Wilkersons Rule #15.

Love that which lets you love it

Addendum 09/02/2012 The ire is starting to bubble up. However much "it's not me its you" he served it with and the pleasant departure (with a huge act of service) does little to detract from the core truth here. He didn't say "I don't fancy you, don't want you etc" on the contrary, he demonstrated that he really still does fancy me. The part he wanted to reject was my love, care, life situation and personality. That stinks.

Addendum 09/02/2012 That took 10 months out of my life. There was a huge investment in babysitters and time away from my child. As projects go, building up a relationship with a boyfriend is a risky one. All lost in one evening. I would've built more social/emotional capital helping out at an old folks home and be no worse off financially. This definitely points to an argument for taking my love elsewhere - if only I could embrace celibacy properly.

Closed

I started this post earlier in an attempt to understand and heal that little emotional bruise I am carrying...

I am trying to put myself in the shoes of Hamish and imagine how it would be to date a man for 10 months, sleep with him, and act like his partner at social occaisions whilst all the time knowing I could never commit to him, or possibly have a rising fear I could never commit to him.

I have done this once, for about a month, with an intenet date (although we only once appeared as partners and that was excruciating for me, I certainly wouldn't have sought him out for this purpose). The man in question was, whilst being attractive, extraordinarily needy, out of work, depressed and had mummy issues
and was a bit of a dud in bed. I can't remember exactly what I said when I tried to end it gently, but I think it was "I am not ready for a serious relationship" which meant I am not, and will never be, ready for a serious relationship with you"

It's hard to think of myself in this lame-duck role.

I certainly didn't say (to the internet guy) as Hamish did to me "you are a sexy fantastic person, you have done nothing wrong, there is nothing about you that offends me, you are smart. I really fancy you in fact I would like to take you to bed now, I'm not ending it just pausing it...blah blah"

I guess its just another example of how men are different. Sex is really so very very important that someone could be quite wrong for a man, but if she comes up with the goods in the bedroom, he will keep her on.
However, the statement that I have heard from Hamish, and other men that

"...men are really very simple they just want a pretty girl on their arm, who will look after them and have lots of sex with them"

Is an oversimplification because I know for a fact I covered those bases

Then after reading The Plankton I came across a link by a commentator that seemed to explain a lot about middle aged dating in general, and Hamish in particular.

Basically Dr Jordan explains quite kindly that some of us actually shut off to love as a defensive strategy. I don't think this is me. I have another dysfunctional strategy which is to fall in love easily and then shave a little bit off my meagre self esteem when it doesn't work out.

Watch this space but I think I really will try to have a bit of genuine Single time now. My true belief is that this is well-nigh impossible with a demanding 8-year-old in tow, but I'll try. In addition not a helluva lot of time has been freed up by Hamish's absence. I was thinking wryly as I walked to work. Friday 8-midnight, Alternate Sundays and maybe Weds 8-midnight at a pinch. Will quite likely use the Sundays working and the weeknights sleeping!!