Since I have been with Neil, apart from the obvious "don't falsely accuse me" followed by discovery of at least one affair (I say at least one because he then realised he had an SA) one woman doesn't make a SA. Life has been tumultuous.
Then there was the STD scare. I went overseas for a month and a half - came back with peculiar symptoms "down there" and I knew for a fact I had only slept with him - Still he suggested I had caught it elsewhere and that he struggled, and yet was benevolent enough to give me the benefit of the doubt - ha ha
There were of course a number of lies associated with the infidelity, which are hard to expunge, usually cast back on me
"listen, I turn off my phone because I don't want your snooping to come in the way of our relationship - an innocent mistake could ruin everything we've got".
"Could you leave the car at work, and get public transport home, its so hard to get decent public transport when I'm working late" - sure did need that car to drive to another suburb late at night
"I've been run off my feet all morning" (once again with the phone switched off) - sure was "off his feet"
"Its all about you isn't it? it's your way or the highway! Why do you always get like this when we have a big decision to make (buying the house) You are hormonal
Hormonal, hmm quite likely, I have been having fertility treatment lately, however even I can't see an excuse for what happened yesterday, I got mad about a series of sms he seems to be getting from a woman (the ones I have seen are x rated) so I took a look at his phone.
When I would not give it back he knocked me over to get it back. His story now is that I slipped. But I'm pretty sure I know the difference between slipping and being chucked to the ground - I am quite a sturdy girl (145lbs) but how I experienced it was this. An approach by him, being lifted off the ground ( or possibly having my feet knocked from under me) , a period of stillness (airborne?) and then "Whooomf" hit the wooden floor with elbow and head simultaneously. When one slips one normally puts out a hand and does not land on one's head.
I was quite livid and went to the ER immediately, it was a 15 mile ride so I had to stop for a cry by the side of the road frequently, I was (once again) in utter shock.
Later in the day I call him and he says I'd better not tell anyone because that would be libel (in fact I only told the professional counselling staff) further, had I told the hospital about the drugs (hormones) I was on? And all the time "What on earth is wrong with you Fiona? why are you behaving this way?" Also he implied that he would not report me for hitting him - I have no idea how this happened but there was a graze on his chest after the altercation.
For some reason once again I came home, locked myself in my room and slept all day and all night, I have not discussed it with him, and to be honest I am frightened. He has been uncharacteristically kind.
He is quite effectively managing to convince me that a) I am hormonal b) no assault took place and if I label it as such I am lying c) this is my problem.
A pattern emerges of everything being blamed on me, his conscience is alarmingly clear about everything (he is very happy in this relationship - whilst my life is tumult, he is very happy and relaxed - a sign of my mental instability of course!!). Even the infidelity - Fiona, take your blinkers off!!! it is remarkably common!!! 1 in 4 kids are not genetically their father's. It is not against the law!!!
I have (in my fog) managed to work out why I stay, I love my house and I dream of a home and a larger family, but who in their right mind would pursue it with this man???? He professes to love me, but what is this? I am aware of my faults, often hormones do make me grumpy and sometimes I get angry and lash out, but I still can't help thinking that a line has been crossed.
It is utterly disrespectful to sleep with other women, addiction or not, and to maintain feisty sexual email contact with others, and culpable though I may be in many ways, it is utterly wrong and disrespectful to throw someone you love on the floor.
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6 comments:
Fiona, your man has borderline personality disorder (see bpdcentral.com or bpdresources.com). If you think life is stressful and confusing now, just wait -- it will get much much worse. Leave now, no house or lifestyle is worth sacrificing your happiness and sanity for. And know you are not alone -- there are lots of us out there pulling for you.
Fiona, I just reread your post -- you're undergoing fertility treatments. Please do NOT have a child with this man. Only unending heartache awaits, both for you and your child.
Wow, thanks for being there and hearing me out there. I read the sites, some things do ring true. Gaslighting is common - he denys things I know to be true and makes me doubt my own judgement. Also unfair expectations - when we first met he demanded (despite the fact that I work full time and had a 2 year old) that I spend a minimum of 2 hours with him alone. He called it "prioritising appropriately" It was entirely narcisistic and inappropriate.
Fiona, my dear, you must believe in yourself and love yourself and your child above others. This man is not worthy of you. Please, please, trust your instincts. Reread your words and you will recognize the warning signals.
Wow! RUN
I have genital herpes now, but it was nothing to do with him, oh no! He is the only man I'd slept with in 10 years but it wasn't him.
I don't know whether the SA I knew (he used me, didn't marry me) has a personality disorder but so many SAs seem to have. I'm glad you're out.
T.
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