Hamish

Another stream of conciousness, driving home one night went something like this....

Ok I've worked out what I want..."A compassionate observer of my life experience" not a lot to ask. That person would make attempts to identify the difficulties in my life (if any) genuinely feel for me and attempt to alleviate them.

Then I thought of Hamish

Why can't he do that, just be there for me, if I am in trouble you know flat tire, broken windscreen, lost purse, minor or major health problem. Is it too much to ask (I haven't asked him by the way, I don't want to scare him off, I'm having too much fun), But I would do this for him.

Any way my next thought was

"Yes" it is too much. To expect him to take me on with my learning impaired, cranky, ill disciplined child. If it were a day to day thing, there is a risk it might lower his quality of life.

Then the next thought

Well, I must get my own shit together and demonstrate to him unequivocally that I am not out to use him, take him for all he's worth, hurt him, spend his money ... especially not on my child ...since he does not have one of his own, nor are we likely to have one together.

Then the next thought.

And for what? all this posturing, all this being the perfect, independent girlfriend, keeping my nose to the grindstone, asking for nothing? He can still drop me at a moments notice under the current regime.

And the last thought

Well through it all, the least I might have got out of it was to get my act together.