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I started this post earlier in an attempt to understand and heal that little emotional bruise I am carrying...

I am trying to put myself in the shoes of Hamish and imagine how it would be to date a man for 10 months, sleep with him, and act like his partner at social occaisions whilst all the time knowing I could never commit to him, or possibly have a rising fear I could never commit to him.

I have done this once, for about a month, with an intenet date (although we only once appeared as partners and that was excruciating for me, I certainly wouldn't have sought him out for this purpose). The man in question was, whilst being attractive, extraordinarily needy, out of work, depressed and had mummy issues
and was a bit of a dud in bed. I can't remember exactly what I said when I tried to end it gently, but I think it was "I am not ready for a serious relationship" which meant I am not, and will never be, ready for a serious relationship with you"

It's hard to think of myself in this lame-duck role.

I certainly didn't say (to the internet guy) as Hamish did to me "you are a sexy fantastic person, you have done nothing wrong, there is nothing about you that offends me, you are smart. I really fancy you in fact I would like to take you to bed now, I'm not ending it just pausing it...blah blah"

I guess its just another example of how men are different. Sex is really so very very important that someone could be quite wrong for a man, but if she comes up with the goods in the bedroom, he will keep her on.
However, the statement that I have heard from Hamish, and other men that

"...men are really very simple they just want a pretty girl on their arm, who will look after them and have lots of sex with them"

Is an oversimplification because I know for a fact I covered those bases

Then after reading The Plankton I came across a link by a commentator that seemed to explain a lot about middle aged dating in general, and Hamish in particular.

Basically Dr Jordan explains quite kindly that some of us actually shut off to love as a defensive strategy. I don't think this is me. I have another dysfunctional strategy which is to fall in love easily and then shave a little bit off my meagre self esteem when it doesn't work out.

Watch this space but I think I really will try to have a bit of genuine Single time now. My true belief is that this is well-nigh impossible with a demanding 8-year-old in tow, but I'll try. In addition not a helluva lot of time has been freed up by Hamish's absence. I was thinking wryly as I walked to work. Friday 8-midnight, Alternate Sundays and maybe Weds 8-midnight at a pinch. Will quite likely use the Sundays working and the weeknights sleeping!!