Monday, May 14, 2007

Nervous/Marriage Breakdown

Another little reflection.

When Simon had his breakdown, he reinvented his life, and reinvented me out of it. He put his past behind him and moved on.

I was indulging in a particularly vivid memory of walking through rice paddies in Indonesia as the sun set (part of our travels)..

when I thought. "Its OK for him to breakdown and choose to forget everything about our life together, but I don't actually want to be "broken down" as well. I choose to remember".

However, in leaving me that is what he has done. I have no choice but to bury our past, many of our mutual friends, people in his family who I knew and loved, and start over.

This is no mean feat at our age.

Here we are in our 30s, he through his illness, therapy and subsequent reinvention has lost his past, by choice, I have had mine ripped from me.

"The One" Part II

Over the years of my marriage to the dour and depressed Simon, I often sought out the company of other friends (male and female) who were live wires. A lot of my female friends are this way. Sassy, funny, keen observers of human nature. The male live wires were generally part of a couple, and whilst enjoying their company I would envy their wives. Imagine living with someone who was so much fun! so clever and quick witted!

Incidentally before I emigrated, the extended family in which I grew up was also like this. The intelligentsia. A collection of eccentric, talented, articulate people.

I slunk back to my humourless, self obsessed, angry husband, and consoled myself that at least I had these friends and family. After all a husband doesn't have to be everything to you does he?? Often you find your emotional support, humor, fun, elsewhere. The trouble is I found everything (bar sex !!) elsewhere.

So I have always thought someone who made me laugh would make a great life partner. Neil rarely makes me laugh, although he is quick witted, his humour is often bawdy, at others' expense, and heavily focussed on the double-entendre.

...But the other day, I took a look at myself. I am rather quiet (until you get to know me), serious and bound by duty. Often my life is so full of caring for others, doing what I have to do (work) to the best of my ability, and keeping myself sane that I don't have two funny stories to rub together, I struggle to even keep abreast of current affairs. So I am most unlikely to be a magnet for the live-wires of this world. I believe a witty, erudite, polite, informed person such as that would be looking straight over my head.

Monday, May 07, 2007


I have come to some sort of an uneasy compromise about leaving my life as it is for the time being.

(1) The house is an investment - whatever money I put into it, I will get back- so I shouldn't sweat it. Just get a good pre-nup to ensure this happens.

(2) I have bound myself financially to Neil, but I don't need to do so via kids. No need to make that mistake again. I have a reason to embrace the menopause within the next decade - it will set me free of this decision.

(3) Home comforts and stability are best for Connor

(4) I can never rely on Neil to be faithful. That's the bottom line.

Despite all this, my gut is telling me to run. Funnily enough the last time I felt this way was as a teenager/in my early 20s the time would come, a boyfriend had done nothing wrong in particular, I just suddenly thought yeuch, I don't need this I'm going to move on. Trouble is now I have baggage.

I read to many blogs by vindictive, discontent divorcees. I know they write for themselves, and for comfort no doubt. Like them, I never intended to do more than share my diary, but the washing of dirty linen in public makes unsettling reading. I vow to view the world with more humor and less catharsis.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

The One

In my two year reflections I have started to contemplate the idea of The One.

(1) How is it that two people in a relationship can have such different views with one believing the other is the soul mate, the one, and the other looking at the door?? Neil frequently calls me his soul-mate, the love of his life, his one and only etc. But I know the thing he is in love with is a pale reflection of the real me. Is he honestly in love with such a superficial, disengaged person that is really nothing more than a warm body? None of my true self comes out around him. The real me is interested in the arts, gourmet cooking, travel, outdoor pursuits and more than a little angst and introspection. My life with him is a trawl around a shopping centre sharing fart jokes and looking for donuts.

(2) Should we all strive to find The one even if it means being alone in the long term? Yes!!! the romantics chorus. But we all know that many people are out there quite happily living with another.

(3)And what about arranged marriage? isn't there a joy to be had from "working at it" and building a home and a family together, and looking back at that long hard life together to finally realise that you are partners, you rely on each other, and you have unwittingly become soulmates. When you divorce, you give that away. I wonder, if I was meant to have a life of quiet endurance, wouldn't it surely be better to have done that with my husband and the father of my child???!!!

(4) Panic. I know I have never had The one in my life. My married life was one of cosy, conjugal, cooperative (for the most part), cohabitation. But I never yearned to be with him. When he was away, or I was away, I enjoyed my own company and didn't miss him for a minute. Sadly my current relationship is the same.

(5) But I do know the euphoria of being with someone you truly love, of feeling your heart skip a beat, of wanting to hold them tight and never let them go, I feel all that for my Son.