Saturday, May 28, 2016

Ghosting II

I had forgotten I had written the first ghosting post on April 8th OMG I let this drag out. So eventually we got to Skype and all was well, and it was fine for me to come and stay and yes, he would meet me at the airport.

So I prepared excitedly and nervously. I sacrificed work time. And we met and he took me for a drink in a very expensive wine bar and we held hands, and he kissed me goodnight, and from then on it went downhill. He fell asleep on the sofa holding a wine glass.

For whatever reason, and because of whatever is going on in his life from that point on he thought the best way was to somehow scale me back

So in the morning he told me that he was in love with a friend of his, but it was (of course) complicated (she is still married, in name only, has three children and is possibly less into him than he is into her).  And if it doesn't risk identifying her she has a really high powered city job and her family is in one country and her "husband" in yet another. I have no idea how she conducts a life like this, but clearly she doesn't dissolve in her own grief like me.

He could just sleep with me and sod her he said, but he was being more of a gentleman than that. And for some reason I thought that since they were not actually  in a relationship (but honestly what do I know from that summary? - she is too nice for that kind of thing so it has been everything but - that's what is hinted at) I thought maybe there was still a chance for us. So I continued to be physically affectionate to him.

And slowly but surely he started to pull away. He spend a couple of nights away from the flat, but he maintained that I was absolutely welcome to stay.  Whilst this is a nightmare scenario, for some reason I decided to alternate weeks with him and weeks in AirBnB and that went OK and we had a couple of nice meals together. Then things seemed to come to a head with him and the "friend", and he was spending more and more time anxiously texting her.

About three nights before I actually left I became a little tearful. I think many people would when faced with this mixed message. He said "what did you think, that we would fall in love, walk off into the sunset and live happily ever after??" made me sound quite mad. But, if he had actually been properly single as he purported to be, at least we could've given it a go. As it stands I think a kind of half hearted "go" was had. in which he tried to work out if I was in any way a contender, realised I wasn't and then finally watched as I sealed the deal by being neurotic.

He chose this point to suggest that we should be friends - yes something that I had kind of held in mind as the possible outcome, and this being the case he thought that me cuddling him, or stroking his head (fairly non-sexual things really) were a threat to our friendship.  In fact what he said was "the worst thing that can happen is that we end up friends" which makes me wonder what the best thing was (that I would just disappear?) I didn't read this double entendre at the time though. And looking back there were a few of them over the few weeks I was there.


"I have a spare room, and you can choose where to sleep, but I know you will make the right choice every night" or
"One of us here is a really good piano player and the other is a try hard wanna be"

And this weird little reflexive way he had of echoing the things I said.  I would say " I was longing to see you and he would say "as I was you"  I would say " you have a nice arse" and he would say "as do you" almost as a sort of overly gentlemanly friendly impulse that was not meant at all

And now I have this horrible post non-relationship hangover where I can't do anything. I just want to sleep and listen to audio books and I am bursting into tears all the time. His last text to me was "lets chat later" and since then he has ignored all my messages, as if perhaps helping me out by sending a clear message.  Your contact is an embarrassment.

I feel unwelcome here, in the country of my birth and I see no pleasure at all in going back to my adopted country. I have stuffed up on the work I was supposed to do here. I have failed and this is the beginning of the end work wise. I can't think of   one thing I want to go back for. He pushed me into this hole. I was quite happy before, and yet I think you and I both know dear reader that this was at some level my doing. I became obsessed, and I am feeding off it long after it is over. I desperately need to move on, but it has precipitated a deep grief in me which is unrelated. I guess, but all those months he was my ardent fan, and took an interest in my life, and now he has just withdrawn it because he feels threatened by my keenness on him, I should've just treated him mean right from the very beginning. So now he is ghosting me again.

What aspect of this fake friendship do I really want?

Well this isn't a very well written blog, but in closing maybe all I can do is console myself that his life is so chaotic, and he is so strung up over this woman that he literally has to sideline me to survive. And he feels a little embarrassed about having lead me on and the eventual outcome on my mental health. And I should respect him by giving him space.

What I think is that one way you can deal with ghosting is to kind of re write history. Just write yourself a little explanatory note or text of what they should have said and then over time just replace the huge ghosting void  in your mind with this better story/

He should've told me, when we met, that he left his wife on the hopes of forming a relationship with this woman "who is really perfect for him at every level and he has a deep and lasting connection with" rather than let me somehow fill the sexual gap for a month or two, He should've said when he was "really fed up" or struggling about his marriage that there was nothing I could help him with because there was a third person involved. Maybe I could've consoled him about her, or listened to him, but I wouldn't have debased myself by sexting or talking in a romantic way to him. Here are some more freaky fakey things he said

"I would like to meet your family"
"what have you done to me"
"one day you might like me as much as I like you"
"what would it take for you to move back here?"
"you are lovely"
"you are amazing"

He could've politely declined to have me to stay, I think he expected me to move out after the first morning when he said "you have some thinking to do" and I said "I've done enough thinking" he also said "maybe you should take your friend up on her offer of a place to stay" which at the time was my boss who I hardly knew and frankly I would rather stay with him. Yes maybe in his polite English way he was trying to chuck me out.  He could've bought a camp bed and told me you can stay on the camp bed before I arrived.

There is one last little batch of things that are about me that this triggered.
(1) I want to move back to my country of origin, and this gave me an excuse - although now this country of origin is making me a bit sick I don't know where  I fit in

(2) I hated that school I went to in year 11, and he made it all OK by presenting as a friendly person from my past

(3) I didn't realise I was lonely, until I had someone who texted me daily and took an interest in my life.

Friday, April 08, 2016


Less than a month from seeing the love of my life again and he has become withdrawn. Reading back through our messages there was nothing to suggest this a month ago. He was so determined to meet me at the airport. Now he doesn't reply to my messages for whole weekends my history gives this a great big warning bell. It has happened to me at least three times before. Once at uni I went away on a rail trip round Europe and when I got back my boyfriend of two years had moved in with another girl. Well he ignored me for a month or two, and then that was what emerged. Hamish also started behaving strangely he was quite happy to sleep with me, but started getting text messages at unexpected times and shoving his phone back in his pocket. Then he gave me the old it's not you it's me speech. Seamus delivered the classic

after a period of silence.

A period of silence is not a good thing. I am very worried. Well I not so much worried as in between just writing him off and gritting my teeth and trying to make other plans, demanding an explanation, or just not making it easy for him and waiting for him to come back to me. Why should I make it easy? apart from to know the truth. This I think is what psychologists call ambiguous loss such as when a person goes missing, and you live in hope. It is quite a common method for men to break up with you I have noticed. My first boyfriend did it. As far as I know I am still going out with him. We never split up, he just disappeared. It was harder in those days with only phone and letter as options.

So is it better to know? is it better to know your love(d one) is dead, or to live in hope. It is a bit like it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved. I have always felt ambiguous about that one. These experiences and knocking the expectation of finding joy in new relationships out of me, and I am starting to think never having loved at all would've been at the very least more efficient

Or another one that I actually uttered myself. It's not you being unfaithful that bothers me, its the lying about it!! Yes again, not true. The unfaithfulness is very bothering. Of course it is. That one is nonsense. Anyone who does that needs to be kicked to the curb.

Can't really say that about George because we never had a relationship in the real world

Thursday, February 18, 2016

The One

Ok I am going to subject you to some more drivel about how in love I am.  Maybe I can look back in 5 years time and see just how addled by brain was. It is true when you are in love (which I presume this state is) levels of  adrenaline, serotonin, dopamine, cortisol .. you name it oh..  oestrogen, testosterone they are all up.  So it is like being on crack cocaine

Anyway having not even kissed this guy properly. I feel more certain (than I ever have) that he is "the one".

OK so winding back. In the past I have heard the words "I love you" quite a few times (just for the record not from  George yet)  and it is certainly stirring, and often I have felt something back.... but not like this.

I remember in the first few months with Neil, I heard him telling his friends that I was "the one" and I felt a mixture of flattered and uneasy. He was a narcissist and was in the early stage of putting me on a pedestal. Right up until the end he claimed he loved me, but it was a strange sort of love. He slept with other women!

When I met my husband I remember writing in my diary that "something quite magical is going on" because we had talked non stop for 1.5 hours. But I even remember as I wrote it, it felt contrived. Who am I at this distance to say for sure I didn't feel it, but I think I was so desperate to stop the chase and get married and settle down and he was the first man who came close.

But still, it was nothing like this...

I feel completely at ease with him even though we are so far away. I trust him. I fancy him like hell. He fancies me back and doesn't ever make me feel insecure or unwanted - well there have been times when I waited 48 hours for an sms but now that never happens. He always checks in with me.

I am so desparately looking forward to seeing him. For a while I couldn't eat. But I am ok now.

We seem to have the same values - though maybe not the same politics. I literally can't wait to be in his life and spend it with him. I never thought I would feel this way at this late stage in my life.

That's it. Lets see what the love rat can do

Tuesday, February 09, 2016

A man is not, and has never been a plan

Well the fairy tale continues. Daily Skype and messenger contact from George is pushing every romantic button in my body (as well as many other less romantic ones). Since our first polite email exchange of thank you notes, it has emerged that both of us had a terrible crush on the other and basically can't wait to rip each others clothes off. It hasn't really gone beyond that, obviously it can't because we are now on opposite sides of the world, but it hasn't stopped me having fantasies along the lines of I will go back to my country of origin and live with him whatever it takes, and I think he is the one..

I kid you not he looks like this ...

at 47 he is three years younger than me and I can't for the life of me imagine what he sees in me, except, he would remember what I was like at 18. Unattainable goddess of the six form common room.

So as much as I try to scratch the fairy tale it keeps on coming back. It is reaching the level of dangerous obsession but he is fueling it by contacting me each night and morning and being amorous towards me. 

This evening I had a thought. Whilst a man is not a plan I think what I crave is stability. So being a pretty much untouchable single mother who never went out and got pleasure from just running her own show and being around her child was one sort of stability, and another sort that I would really like would be a partner that I can trust who I have a lot in common with (shared history and interests) and profoundly love and feel attracted to. If such things still exist. So far his approach has been very different to anything I have encountered in the last 10 years.

I am startled by how ready I am to give up my life here. For someone I barely know. This element of it feels like internet dating era madness. But looking back a couple of posts, to be in my country of origin has never been off the agenda. I am just waiting for Connor to be old enough or to negotiate to take him too. It seems, and George has just added grist to the mill.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time a kind, funny, generous and  (in her own way) beautiful princess named Fiona (not that Fiona) was trapped in a country far far away by an evil overlord, Simon and a pair of golden golden handcuffs applied by the self-serving corporation to which she was indentured.

Day after day she worked without reward and in the evenings she tried to look after and nurture her  illegitimate son Connor. Connor was the son of he evil overlord Simon, but Simon contrived to ignore him as far as possible and take no part in his  upbringing. The villagers never knew whether this inattention was due to Simon's inner demons or a preference to spend his time with exotic asian princesses from other lands.
One year Simon released Fiona for six weeks so that she may travel back to her homeland across many seas to see the people she loved. He cautioned her, as he always did, that she had better return before the stroke of six weeks or he would remove the child from her and take her to "court"

So Fiona and Connor made the long and perilous journey back to the icy kingdom and spent Christmas with their extended family. One evening, Fiona being free from her duties wandered into town to meet an old school friend George. She did not know George well, but he had sent word that he wanted to meet her. He strode into the hotel lobby wearing a cashmere coat. He was tall dark and handsome, and as he kissed her on both cheeks as was the custom in that land the coldness and firmness of his cheek on hers was electrifying. They spent an evening together huddled in a local hostelry eating earthy food and talking about how their lives had gone. They had much in common, more than would be reasonably predictable Fiona thought. A love of music and sailing, oddly both had Autistic brothers.

When it was time to go they were reluctant to say goodbye but again with a gentle brush of the cheek he left through the revolving door. Fiona could not deny that she was smitten by this man. He was intelligent, good looking, generous, gentlemanly posh and sexy. Being the age she was she thought I have nothing to lose. I will write him a thank you letter and tell him what a lovely evening I had. By return mail he responded in kind calling her wonderful and the evening " the best in some time" and vowing to see her again when she was next in town.

He send a message to say he was "missing her already" but Fiona could not discern of this was a cute colloquialism or turn of phrase common to that land having been away for so long. Or indeed, in her darkest thoughts a cad like ruse to keep her on the boil.

When the six weeks was up a fairy swept her back to the country of the overlord and corporation. Fiona was lonely and confused, but she and George kept in touch and, in the fullness of time, she came to visit George again. This time he confessed his love for her and they lived happily ever after splitting their time between Europe and the Antipodes playing duets on a baby grand piano. Skiing and yachting, Supporting each other in whatever life threw at them and yet being fully independent and fulfilled individuals.
Fiona knew at last that love existed and she had found her soulmate.
The End


And everytime I think of this man I remind myself that that is indeed what he is, a fairy tale concocted by my own imagination 

Friday, July 31, 2015

Of desperate crushes and personal effectiveness

Some time ago when I was in fact married, I developed a crush on someone who did not know I existed, and of course I could not act upon it. I was a moral sort of girl who believed in her marriage vows. I used to have delightful waking and sleeping fantasies, I strove to be near him, I hung on his every word and then one day I realised it was causing me a lot of unhappiness, this unrequited love that I couldn't act upon was eating me from the inside
out, and seriously could I blame love? this *thing* came from within. I was in fact foisting this misery on myself. From that day on it became easier to deal with. If I can make it happen then surely I can make it go away, and, within time, it diminished. It's a good job that man didn't encourage me.

Now I realise I can see an analogy in personal effectiveness. I was going to write a self deprecating piece about how my brother had always been more effective than me. He knew what his dreams were and he grabbed them enthusiastically. He married a sensible and driven woman and they raised two very personable and hard working successful children. He even has time for his own interests. He plays a musical instrument, is widely read and takes an active role in politics.  I on the other hand have never known what I wanted. I have always needed a champion, a leader... which ironically
at first, was him, my brother. I put my pocket money towards his hobbies. I enhanced his stamp collection, bought old 78 records, even a airfix model for him to make, sincerely believing that these were *my* interests. I was/am honestly ripe for the plucking for control freaks the world over.

So once again helpless in the face of a higher force but what?  misfortune?  my gender?

A victim of love
A victim of circumstance
A victim of genetics

What I realised in trying to write this is something I have probably thought before. There are plenty of people out there ready to put you down, There is no need to do it yourself. You are hurting yourself in the same way that nursing a hopeless crush was hurting yourself.

There is no need for that. Others will look at your output and judge you ineffective and I could join them, take a long lensed objective view and say yes, I am indecisive, prone to subject myself to irrational leaders (or manipulative ones) but... how is this going to help?

Possibly in the sense of "know your enemy" but If I state that I am not personally effective, if I highlight even silently to myself how I can't do things and make the wrong choices, it could potentially actually make it so.

Be careful what you wish for II

I was in church last Sunday, having the opportunity to reflect on my life. I am not a very good believer. I'm not sure I even believe, but I go to a church that has the most incredible choir and choral tradition of church music that I love, and I find about once a month it is a good place for contemplation. Often a little thought pops into my head and this week it was: Be careful what you wish for...remember the other things that you have desperately wanted in your life and how they have worked out for you.

It won't have passed you by that I have been chronically homesick for 25 years. It is getting worse not better as I face my son's teenager hood as a single mother, and meanwhile my parents on the other side of the world are getting older. I am not particularly enjoying my job, my ex is controlling, and I fantasize daily about running back to the bosom of my family. Particularly as my son is at a crossroads being about to start high school would this be the ideal time to run? will I look back and regret it?

So at the risk of covering some old ground, what else have a longed for over the years? Well first I longed to get married. I wanted to become that mythical ringed creature with the promise of eternal love and fidelity. I ruthlessly put it into action instead of biding my time and letting the natural order of things take
precedence. I made it clear to the young immature boy who fell in love with me that marriage was what I wanted and, in him, I got a dependant. A sort of man-child, an irrational dictator, an ineffectual fop and when I was no longer good as a playmate, he pulled the plug on me.

Overlapping with that I longed to have a baby. It took me 10 years to get my desire. I was 24 when I got married  27 when I was ready and 37 when I actually had a baby through three miscarriages, several periods of unexplained infertility and the IVF rollercoaster. For whatever reason getting this baby put a huge wobble on my marriage and culminated in me being jettisoned in to single parenthood at 40.

I longed to own my own home. And so I dove in at 40 (!) with an inappropriate man to home ownership..having played the waiting game with that other inappropriate man for a baby and a house.

So if I were to sell/rent out my house. Negotiate with my ex, take my daughter away from all her friends and move back to my country of origin. How could I expect this 25 year yearning
to work out?

Yearn to marry - get a dependant
Yearn for a baby - end up single
Yearn for a home - end up with a mortgage alone at 50
Yearn to travel home - what'll it be ??
lose your child
... or gain a dependant
... or end up married

Incidentally, I put a specific "prayer" out to the universe about this this morning. Dear higher being/god/circumstance/inner fairy godmother, what do I have to do to make this manifest? What can I do to get out of this bind whereby I am a wage slave/puppet/house elf isolated from my family and controlled by my ex? And this was the answer

"Pay Simon [Father of my child] off"

Now I wouldn't have expected that from God.

Hello Again

I found a couple of unpublished posts from about a year ago. I don't know if I have time to write regularly, but maybe I will just put these ones out there and try to keep going...

Sunday, September 07, 2014

What is a real man, again.

Well, I have been divorced (or at least separated) for almost a decade now. Attempts at finding a meaningful adult relationship have been largely unsuccessful. Whilst I have not given up on it, it is at the very least on hold. Something I found a little useful lately was a reflection on what I didn't want in a man. Based loosely on the things I have encountered during and after my marriage;

(1) Irrational dictator (Simon: barking at me that "we are not doing this, we are not doing that" and then later (quite often) turning around and deciding to do it himself),
(2) Groundless opinions (Simon again: freely given baseless opinions on everything from Immigration to which colours go together),
(3) Passive aggression (Simon also: to accompany the above, shut down if people don't agree with you, and refuse to discuss - this includes big life decisions like buying a house, moving in together, having a baby),
(4) Outright bald aggression (Neil: If a person doesn't agree with you shut THEM down, physically if necessary)
(5) Unfaithfulness and the accompanied necessary lies and possible gaslighting (making me think it is all in my mind (Neil)),
(6) Meaningless posturing/assumptions about their role in my life - "I'm here to Protect and Provide!" whilst doing neither, and without being asked to anyway (Neil). "I can just see where this is going, you'll move in and get half of my assets" (John, and school dad)

(7) Distain and indifference (all of them ultimately),
(8) Objectification ie "I couldn't just sleep with anyone, I REALLY LIKE you" followed by a litany of my physical charms and nothing about me as a person (Seamus and Hamish (in actions if not in words)),
(9) Cherry picking - you would be perfect if it wasn't for your child (Seamus)
(10) Ineffectual posturing (Simon - earning a 5th of what I do then turning up at school in a business suit handing round his card, telling the teacher how to do her job...)

Then I got to thinking maybe many of these are the dark side  of what we consider attributes of a REAL MAN. We like our men to be strong, and admire us physically. We socialise them that way.  I may be in the minority of women really not liking to be objectified. Even more demanding, we want our men to bond with us for life, help us to raise our children, not look at other women..So if I was born a man, and couldn't rise to these expectations maybe I too would "fake it 'til I made it"

I see so many unhappily married parents of school aged kids.  The men who manage to be faithful to their wives, take an interest in their kids, bring home the bacon, and project an ideal of manhood are in the minority and their wives become tired, irritable, critical and unappreciative, and stop making an effort.

I set to wondering if maybe being faithful was, to men, the ultimate sacrifice they make for their women. It is not in their nature, they have to work at it every day relentlessly pushing down their urges and finding the best in themselves for the greater good of their families, and they actually want credit for this - from their wife and from society. It is analogous to women keeping young and beautiful - diet, exercise, a nip and a tuck, whatever it takes (subtext - to keep our man) it's not easy or natural for us we would rather eat donuts and wear a velour tracksuit. We actually want credit for that (from our husbands and from society). Both may be doomed to failure, but it doesn't stop us trying.

My mistake is that I have always wanted to get beyond this. I have wanted to be with someone who is actually my friend, is with me for who I am, rather than (as well as) my physical assets and has no trouble being faithful and keeping their end up financially, and tells the truth in small and large things and confronts problems head on.

There have been very few people with whom I have formed an easy, mutually rewarding, relationship of this kind. People who do all of the above and who make me laugh, give me just the right amount of space, compassionately observe my life, build me up where necessary, be honest about my flaws. Who treat me like a human as well as a body. People I really long to come home to... and in fact those people would be my mother and my son and a few close friends in my university days.