Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Dating Self Sabotage

On Friday I got randomly invited out to lunch by a single dad from Connors class (after a school event). On Saturday I dipped my toe back in the dating pond when I attended an organised cocktail party.

Now I am nursing a terrible crush on the single dad whilst fielding contacts from two men at the cocktail party, one of whom I really could never date (although he shows all signs of being a nice bloke) and the other one I mildly fancy but have so far ignored two of his calls in a cowardly way.

I think I am my own worst enemy. Two men with deliberate intentions on the dating front and one who was "just being friendly" and I prefer the "just being friendly" guy.

I spent almost a year juggling parenthood around Hamish on one occasion (I am ashamed to say) paying a babysitter $100, driving 50 mins each way just to cook him dinner and have him fall asleep after sex.  I'm not going down that path again. I don't even want to pay one baby sitter to even start out on that road. I know it is unfair to the cocktail guys but I am now judging them on past experience, I am just simply unavailable.

Single dad on the other hand I could definitely have lunch with again.

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Dear Hamish

Dear Hamish

It's three months since you terminated me, and still I seem to need closure. With much therapy and subconscious homework I have come to an uneasy acceptance of the situation. I have also surmised (rightly or wrongly) that one of the most likely explanations for your behaviour* is that you met someone else. So in summary, if you have met someone else. I accept it nobly. If you are rotting in a garret, consuming yourself in self-loathing, could you please let me know that you are OK.


*by behaviour I mean dating me, introducing me to your family and friends, buying me flowers, gifts, sleeping with me, and then suddenly after 9 months having a prick of conscience (pun fully intended) and realising I am no more than a fuck-buddy to you and really, nice as it all is, you should not be wasting my time, all washed down with a dose of "I'm in a strange place right now, I don't know how I feel, I need to find myself/some joy/inner peace" and hinting at depression.

P.S I fully expect no reply to this message and thus I conclude the following as my closure. You told me all I needed to know in the debriefing. (1) that you are just not that into me (2) that hard as it seems you were in fact doing the gentlemanly thing by telling me so (3) if you had met someone else, the story you gave me about being lost, finding life hard, needing to get your head together was aimed at protecting me.

What was less gentlemanly was acting like a partner for all those months. True, I probably would've run a mile if you had tried to negotiate FB status in which case I would not have had the fun that I did, nor the albeit artificial high of feeling that I was falling in love with you.