Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Farewell Teamwork

My ex husband often says "I'm not here to make your life easy" when I ask him (for example) if he can look after our son when I have an unanticipated or late meeting at work.

I just took this as churlishness. Inappropriate perhaps, but none the less a valid position.

One of the tenets of our final counselling sessions was that we would work on one thing together, what is best for our son, and leaving him with a string scantily qualified care givers is not.

So often I have thought that rather than "not making my life easy", he is actually making my life difficult.

This morning, I was considering how I would cover these unscheduled events this year, and it crossed my mind to ask my partner if he could step in, and it certainly isn't his job. ...

And this is where something about marriage dawned on me. In Marriage, you are there to make the other person's life easy, and to work as a team. In fact if both parties do everything in their power to ensure the other's happiness, that is one secret of a happy marriage.

And when the marriage is over, that is the first thing to go...

Thursday, February 15, 2007

If you love him, forgive him, if you don't go

Another thing I've learnt about myself, I sit on the fence. I simply am not ready to make the decision in the title.

A part of me says "Life is an adventure, who cares what happens I will be able to deal with it when it comes"

Why is it that although we've been together over a year, I don't know him. I still have to supress beliefs that he is a sociopathic woman hater. I don't trust him, I trust the mailman more and in my darkest fears he is a predator.

I spent hours trawling the web looking up Misogyny...
Then decided it was more likely Masculism..
I identified with the experience of those married to someone with Borderline Personality Disorder...
Feeling I was undoubtedly in the clutches of a skilled Manipulator or a Narcissist....
and faced the possibility of Sociopathy....

There are elements of all of them in him, but he is not any of them specifically. Finally I look at myself, perhaps the most scary possibility.. it is just me that is Mad, over-reacting and hormonal?

Yet I choose to stand back and take and academic interest, when am I going to get that signal that is so clear, this is not my problem, I have to go? or will things improve?

How about this. Either he is telling the perfect truth, when he goes off for a drive, or works late that is precisely what he is doing, or it is an even more elaborate cover up than before, previously when I became suspicious, he became angry and swore that he could not possibly have done anything in the time/was too sick/ any woman he may have met would've been working etc. but I found this out to be untrue.

If the second turns out to be true. Why does he insist on messing with my head and lying to me? I find it to be demeaning, insulting and disrespectful.

Given his history and his addiction, it is slightly more likely that he has upped his game and is now finding better ways of covering up. If this is true how should I react to play him at his own game. Options include; Cheat myself, have him followed/track him, go with him, just leave the relationship. or disengage.

One thing is for certain, obsessing about it is not healthy for me. One article I found usefule for getting my head straight was this. But so far the best I can do if I opt to stay, is disengage.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Disloyal, Ungrateful

My dear readers. I know my last post may have seemed disloyal. Most people write vitriol about thier ex's not about their fiances.

Could it be that somehow I am projecting onto him some of the anger I feel over my divorce? My Single time between Marriage and dating again was so short, and I relished it. I wonder if I should have stayed there longer.

He could be just a decent guy, who has finally met the right woman, has some issues about sex and sexuality, but is desperately trying to clean up his act. After all, he has been single for a long time, and the way he behaved was fine for a single guy, only answerable to himself, and the women who were fool enough to be drawn in. This is the way I like to think.

Then there is the dark side I am the one being drawn in. As Meg said

There are 2 pre-requisites to being an addict or a cheater.

First, one must be an excellent liar. Secondly, they must be a master manipulator. Without these two skills, a person is unable to be either of those things for any length of time!

If you really loved someone you would not cheat on them however loudly your loins cried out for satisfaction, and for me to believe I am special or different, is just a symptom of the fact that I myself am being manipulated.

Could I be in the clutches of a predator. Neil is my fiance, he claims to adore my child, we have bought a house together (we earn the same by the way, in case you think I am a gold-digging ingrate) and so far I have put more cash into the house than he has.

I will go on living the dream, but I will protect myself.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Living the Dream

My parents are staying with Neil and I at the moment. In our, oh I have to admit it, breathtakingly beautiful home, with Neil being the soul of diplomacy, tact and affable good humour - to the point of actually overdoing it with my mother - hugging her goodbye, saying how much he looked forward to their visit ! (isn't there some law of nature about sons in law and mothers in law?). The view, the parties, the flawless diamond ring, the future plans so engagingly shared, so playful with my little boy.... Everything is, on the surface, perfect.

Anyway it occurred to me, if Neil was the man they think he is, I really would be living the dream, but they don't know in the short year we have been together he has been porking other women and lying shamelessly about it. I only found out by mistake. The only reason I stay, apart from this facade of a dream, is that he is doing everything he can to move on, and getting therapy for sex addiction :) Mind you like other addictions, the lies that have come with it over the past few months have been damaging in extreme to those close to him. I read this anonymous email on a support group web site lately.

I was married to a "sex addict" who was also very adept at hiding it...porn, prostitutes, girlfriends, you name it, he did it.

When I found out, he obviously expected me to help him "recover" from his addiction, because of course I'd have to constantly monitor him, his computer usage and his movements, telephone calls, etc.

Nope. I divorced him. After all the lying and controlling and cheating, I did not know who he really was, even though we'd been married for almost 20 years. And I had no desire to play policeman, especially since if I ever slipped up in surveillance, he'd have an excuse because I didn't watch him closely enough. Gah.

I don't think he was really an addict. I think he's narcissistic and selfish.
anon 12.02.05 - 11:44 am #

I have to fight the urge to act as this woman did. Don't tell me to move on, I'm not ready. So many other things are in the right place I need to sit this out. But I need to write it, to show myself I am doing this with my eyes open.