Friday, July 31, 2015

Of desperate crushes and personal effectiveness

Some time ago when I was in fact married, I developed a crush on someone who did not know I existed, and of course I could not act upon it. I was a moral sort of girl who believed in her marriage vows. I used to have delightful waking and sleeping fantasies, I strove to be near him, I hung on his every word and then one day I realised it was causing me a lot of unhappiness, this unrequited love that I couldn't act upon was eating me from the inside
out, and seriously could I blame love? this *thing* came from within. I was in fact foisting this misery on myself. From that day on it became easier to deal with. If I can make it happen then surely I can make it go away, and, within time, it diminished. It's a good job that man didn't encourage me.

Now I realise I can see an analogy in personal effectiveness. I was going to write a self deprecating piece about how my brother had always been more effective than me. He knew what his dreams were and he grabbed them enthusiastically. He married a sensible and driven woman and they raised two very personable and hard working successful children. He even has time for his own interests. He plays a musical instrument, is widely read and takes an active role in politics.  I on the other hand have never known what I wanted. I have always needed a champion, a leader... which ironically
at first, was him, my brother. I put my pocket money towards his hobbies. I enhanced his stamp collection, bought old 78 records, even a airfix model for him to make, sincerely believing that these were *my* interests. I was/am honestly ripe for the plucking for control freaks the world over.

So once again helpless in the face of a higher force but what?  misfortune?  my gender?

A victim of love
A victim of circumstance
A victim of genetics

What I realised in trying to write this is something I have probably thought before. There are plenty of people out there ready to put you down, There is no need to do it yourself. You are hurting yourself in the same way that nursing a hopeless crush was hurting yourself.

There is no need for that. Others will look at your output and judge you ineffective and I could join them, take a long lensed objective view and say yes, I am indecisive, prone to subject myself to irrational leaders (or manipulative ones) but... how is this going to help?

Possibly in the sense of "know your enemy" but If I state that I am not personally effective, if I highlight even silently to myself how I can't do things and make the wrong choices, it could potentially actually make it so.

Be careful what you wish for II

I was in church last Sunday, having the opportunity to reflect on my life. I am not a very good believer. I'm not sure I even believe, but I go to a church that has the most incredible choir and choral tradition of church music that I love, and I find about once a month it is a good place for contemplation. Often a little thought pops into my head and this week it was: Be careful what you wish for...remember the other things that you have desperately wanted in your life and how they have worked out for you.

It won't have passed you by that I have been chronically homesick for 25 years. It is getting worse not better as I face my son's teenager hood as a single mother, and meanwhile my parents on the other side of the world are getting older. I am not particularly enjoying my job, my ex is controlling, and I fantasize daily about running back to the bosom of my family. Particularly as my son is at a crossroads being about to start high school would this be the ideal time to run? will I look back and regret it?

So at the risk of covering some old ground, what else have a longed for over the years? Well first I longed to get married. I wanted to become that mythical ringed creature with the promise of eternal love and fidelity. I ruthlessly put it into action instead of biding my time and letting the natural order of things take
precedence. I made it clear to the young immature boy who fell in love with me that marriage was what I wanted and, in him, I got a dependant. A sort of man-child, an irrational dictator, an ineffectual fop and when I was no longer good as a playmate, he pulled the plug on me.

Overlapping with that I longed to have a baby. It took me 10 years to get my desire. I was 24 when I got married  27 when I was ready and 37 when I actually had a baby through three miscarriages, several periods of unexplained infertility and the IVF rollercoaster. For whatever reason getting this baby put a huge wobble on my marriage and culminated in me being jettisoned in to single parenthood at 40.

I longed to own my own home. And so I dove in at 40 (!) with an inappropriate man to home ownership..having played the waiting game with that other inappropriate man for a baby and a house.

So if I were to sell/rent out my house. Negotiate with my ex, take my daughter away from all her friends and move back to my country of origin. How could I expect this 25 year yearning
to work out?

Yearn to marry - get a dependant
Yearn for a baby - end up single
Yearn for a home - end up with a mortgage alone at 50
Yearn to travel home - what'll it be ??
lose your child
... or gain a dependant
... or end up married

Incidentally, I put a specific "prayer" out to the universe about this this morning. Dear higher being/god/circumstance/inner fairy godmother, what do I have to do to make this manifest? What can I do to get out of this bind whereby I am a wage slave/puppet/house elf isolated from my family and controlled by my ex? And this was the answer

"Pay Simon [Father of my child] off"

Now I wouldn't have expected that from God.

Hello Again

I found a couple of unpublished posts from about a year ago. I don't know if I have time to write regularly, but maybe I will just put these ones out there and try to keep going...