Monday, November 28, 2011


Another stream of conciousness, driving home one night went something like this....

Ok I've worked out what I want..."A compassionate observer of my life experience" not a lot to ask. That person would make attempts to identify the difficulties in my life (if any) genuinely feel for me and attempt to alleviate them.
Then I thought of Hamish

Why can't he do that, just be there for me, if I am in trouble you know flat tire, broken windscreen, lost purse, minor or major health problem. Is it too much to ask (I haven't asked him by the way, I don't want to scare him off, I'm having too much fun), But I would do this for him.
Any way my next thought was

"Yes" it is too much. To expect him to take me on with my learning impaired, cranky, ill disciplined child. If it were a day to day thing, there is a risk it might lower his quality of life.
Then the next thought

Well, I must get my own shit together and demonstrate to him unequivocally that I am not out to use him, take him for all he's worth, hurt him, spend his money ... especially not on my child ...since he does not have one of his own, nor are we likely to have one together.
Then the next thought.

And for what? all this posturing, all this being the perfect, independent girlfriend, keeping my nose to the grindstone, asking for nothing? He can still drop me at a moments notice under the current regime.
And the last thought

Well through it all, the least I might have got out of it was to get my act together.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

More about Love

I did a quick google search of blogs that discuss the meaning of love. The list is long, but most of them are not very insightful, at least not to me.

Last time I tried to place a theory on love it was putchniks wheel of emotion. All I could muster is that what I had previously thought of as love was in fact admiration. In simon's case probably pity.

Lately I read in a blog called "Chemo Chic" the proposition that love is not an emotion, or a feeling, it is a decision or I think the author called it an action. This is starting to rest rather well with me. Yes I think love is a decision because at some point you can stop yourself falling in love.

I am hopeless at making decisions, but I fall in love easily. At first this may be inconsistent but actually it is not. Because my decision making style is Heuristic (Rule of thumb, trial and error, or intuitive judgement). Thus every man I get involved with is "the one" until proved otherwise. Many are also dismissed because I don't like them at first sight.

More analytical types might judge each prospective partner against a measurable checklist and not make that decision until they were sure of compatibility. Which explains the phenomenon of young Thai girls falling in love with paunchy old gentlemen.

Go hard or go home

I have been so lacking in motivation, due to a fair bit of pain from my hip and onerous parenting duties around Connor's reading difficulties. I have admitted to myself that what I want and need in life is to spend more time with my extended family. I have for weeks (or months even)  been looking for something to get me out of this hole. Now it seems I have turned a corner. In the process of applying for a grant (which I may not get) I realised all the good stuff I am doing in my career, and how it does have an important role in my life, right up there with parenting, my family, and trying to hold together some sort of love life.

Here is what I wrote to myself

"For this price that you have to pay, ie not living near your family, which remains, indelibly, your core value. Some benefit must be extracted. Assuming you are good enough to be a successful in your work, what is the point of doormatising yourself, hiding your light under a bushell, taking hits from other people constantly? Why not give it one last shot. Go out there and grab the opportunities that undoubtedly are available, remembering you are very lucky to be in this position.

If you can't do this, go ahead and fail, reject the opportunity, go back and be near your family and poor. Doing the bare minimum whilst it seems to work for some people (those with lucrative consulting sideline businesses, or rich husbands) is not helping your self esteem, your finances, or your ability to get back to see your people. Don't continue to be stuck in no mans land. Commit to your career as it deserves and see what you can do. Give it three years. I believe it is worth it. Yes Connor will be harder to move then but recent events in your home country (riots unemployment, sit-ins, vandalism, disrespect etc) have not convinced you it is the best place for him anyway.

You have been dressing up your discontent as "keeping Connor near his dad" putting yourself second for other people's happiness.  This is all part of your life situation and core values. However, the only way for you to be happy under this oppressive scenario (ie kept here under duress) is to be successful in your own right. Otherwise admit you do not care about the job, leave, and take Connor too and see what Simon does about it"
This grant application, and some other reading about motivating yourself at work has been like a window through which I am seeing some light.