Go hard or go home

I have been so lacking in motivation, due to a fair bit of pain from my hip and onerous parenting duties around Connor's reading difficulties. I have admitted to myself that what I want and need in life is to spend more time with my extended family. I have for weeks (or months even)  been looking for something to get me out of this hole. Now it seems I have turned a corner. In the process of applying for a grant (which I may not get) I realised all the good stuff I am doing in my career, and how it does have an important role in my life, right up there with parenting, my family, and trying to hold together some sort of love life.

Here is what I wrote to myself

"For this price that you have to pay, ie not living near your family, which remains, indelibly, your core value. Some benefit must be extracted. Assuming you are good enough to be a successful in your work, what is the point of doormatising yourself, hiding your light under a bushell, taking hits from other people constantly? Why not give it one last shot. Go out there and grab the opportunities that undoubtedly are available, remembering you are very lucky to be in this position.


If you can't do this, go ahead and fail, reject the opportunity, go back and be near your family and poor. Doing the bare minimum whilst it seems to work for some people (those with lucrative consulting sideline businesses, or rich husbands) is not helping your self esteem, your finances, or your ability to get back to see your people. Don't continue to be stuck in no mans land. Commit to your career as it deserves and see what you can do. Give it three years. I believe it is worth it. Yes Connor will be harder to move then but recent events in your home country (riots unemployment, sit-ins, vandalism, disrespect etc) have not convinced you it is the best place for him anyway.

You have been dressing up your discontent as "keeping Connor near his dad" putting yourself second for other people's happiness.  This is all part of your life situation and core values. However, the only way for you to be happy under this oppressive scenario (ie kept here under duress) is to be successful in your own right. Otherwise admit you do not care about the job, leave, and take Connor too and see what Simon does about it"

This grant application, and some other reading about motivating yourself at work has been like a window through which I am seeing some light.