I was in church last Sunday, having the opportunity to reflect on my life. I am not a very good believer. I'm not sure I even believe, but I go to a church that has the most incredible choir and choral tradition of church music that I love, and I find about once a month it is a good place for contemplation. Often a little thought pops into my head and this week it was: Be careful what you wish for...remember the other things that you have desperately wanted in your life and how they have worked out for you.
It won't have passed you by that I have been chronically homesick for 25 years. It is getting worse not better as I face my son's teenager hood as a single mother, and meanwhile my parents on the other side of the world are getting older. I am not particularly enjoying my job, my ex is controlling, and I fantasize daily about running back to the bosom of my family. Particularly as my son is at a crossroads being about to start high school would this be the ideal time to run? will I look back and regret it?
So at the risk of covering some old ground, what else have a longed for over the years? Well first I longed to get married. I wanted to become that mythical ringed creature with the promise of eternal love and fidelity. I ruthlessly put it into action instead of biding my time and letting the natural order of things take
precedence. I made it clear to the young immature boy who fell in love with me that marriage was what I wanted and, in him, I got a dependant. A sort of man-child, an irrational dictator, an ineffectual fop and when I was no longer good as a playmate, he pulled the plug on me.
Overlapping with that I longed to have a baby. It took me 10 years to get my desire. I was 24 when I got married 27 when I was ready and 37 when I actually had a baby through three miscarriages, several periods of unexplained infertility and the IVF rollercoaster. For whatever reason getting this baby put a huge wobble on my marriage and culminated in me being jettisoned in to single parenthood at 40.
I longed to own my own home. And so I dove in at 40 (!) with an inappropriate man to home ownership..having played the waiting game with that other inappropriate man for a baby and a house.
So if I were to sell/rent out my house. Negotiate with my ex, take my daughter away from all her friends and move back to my country of origin. How could I expect this 25 year yearning
to work out?
Yearn to marry - get a dependant
Yearn for a baby - end up single
Yearn for a home - end up with a mortgage alone at 50
Yearn to travel home - what'll it be ??
lose your child
... or gain a dependant
... or end up married
Incidentally, I put a specific "prayer" out to the universe about this this morning. Dear higher being/god/circumstance/inner fairy godmother, what do I have to do to make this manifest? What can I do to get out of this bind whereby I am a wage slave/puppet/house elf isolated from my family and controlled by my ex? And this was the answer
"Pay Simon [Father of my child] off"
Now I wouldn't have expected that from God.