Some time ago
when I was in fact married, I developed a crush on someone who did not know I
existed, and of course I could not act upon it. I was a moral sort of
girl who believed in her marriage vows. I used to have delightful waking and
sleeping fantasies, I strove to be near him, I hung on his every word and
then one day I realised it was causing me a lot of unhappiness, this unrequited
love that I couldn't act upon was eating me from the inside
out, and
seriously could I blame love? this *thing* came from within. I was in fact
foisting this misery on myself. From that day on it became easier to deal with. If I can
make it happen then surely I can make it go away, and, within time, it
diminished. It's a good job that man didn't encourage me.
Now I realise I
can see an analogy in personal effectiveness. I was going to write a self
deprecating piece about how my brother had always been more effective than
me. He knew what his dreams were and he grabbed them enthusiastically. He
married a sensible and driven woman and they raised two very personable and
hard working successful children. He even has time for his own interests. He
plays a musical instrument, is widely read and takes an active role in
politics. I on the other hand have never
known what I wanted. I have always needed a champion, a leader... which
ironically
at first, was
him, my brother. I put my pocket money towards his hobbies. I enhanced his
stamp collection, bought old 78 records, even a airfix model for him to make, sincerely
believing that these were *my* interests. I was/am honestly ripe for the
plucking for control freaks the world over.
So once again
helpless in the face of a higher force but what? misfortune?
my gender?
A victim of love
A victim of
circumstance
A victim of
genetics
What I realised
in trying to write this is something I have probably thought before. There are
plenty of people out there ready to put you down, There is no need
to do it yourself. You are hurting yourself in the same way that nursing a
hopeless crush was hurting yourself.
There is no need
for that. Others will look at your output and judge you ineffective and I could
join them, take a long lensed objective view and say yes, I am indecisive, prone
to subject myself to irrational leaders (or manipulative ones) but... how is
this going to help?
Possibly in the
sense of "know your enemy" but If I state that I am not personally
effective, if I highlight even silently to myself how I can't do things and make the wrong
choices, it could potentially actually make it so.
