Saturday, May 28, 2016

Ghosting II

I had forgotten I had written the first ghosting post on April 8th OMG I let this drag out. So eventually we got to Skype and all was well, and it was fine for me to come and stay and yes, he would meet me at the airport.

So I prepared excitedly and nervously. I sacrificed work time. And we met and he took me for a drink in a very expensive wine bar and we held hands, and he kissed me goodnight, and from then on it went downhill. He fell asleep on the sofa holding a wine glass.

For whatever reason, and because of whatever is going on in his life from that point on he thought the best way was to somehow scale me back

So in the morning he told me that he was in love with a friend of his, but it was (of course) complicated (she is still married, in name only, has three children and is possibly less into him than he is into her).  And if it doesn't risk identifying her she has a really high powered city job and her family is in one country and her "husband" in yet another. I have no idea how she conducts a life like this, but clearly she doesn't dissolve in her own grief like me.

He could just sleep with me and sod her he said, but he was being more of a gentleman than that. And for some reason I thought that since they were not actually  in a relationship (but honestly what do I know from that summary? - she is too nice for that kind of thing so it has been everything but - that's what is hinted at) I thought maybe there was still a chance for us. So I continued to be physically affectionate to him.

And slowly but surely he started to pull away. He spend a couple of nights away from the flat, but he maintained that I was absolutely welcome to stay.  Whilst this is a nightmare scenario, for some reason I decided to alternate weeks with him and weeks in AirBnB and that went OK and we had a couple of nice meals together. Then things seemed to come to a head with him and the "friend", and he was spending more and more time anxiously texting her.

About three nights before I actually left I became a little tearful. I think many people would when faced with this mixed message. He said "what did you think, that we would fall in love, walk off into the sunset and live happily ever after??" made me sound quite mad. But, if he had actually been properly single as he purported to be, at least we could've given it a go. As it stands I think a kind of half hearted "go" was had. in which he tried to work out if I was in any way a contender, realised I wasn't and then finally watched as I sealed the deal by being neurotic.

He chose this point to suggest that we should be friends - yes something that I had kind of held in mind as the possible outcome, and this being the case he thought that me cuddling him, or stroking his head (fairly non-sexual things really) were a threat to our friendship.  In fact what he said was "the worst thing that can happen is that we end up friends" which makes me wonder what the best thing was (that I would just disappear?) I didn't read this double entendre at the time though. And looking back there were a few of them over the few weeks I was there.


"I have a spare room, and you can choose where to sleep, but I know you will make the right choice every night" or
"One of us here is a really good piano player and the other is a try hard wanna be"

And this weird little reflexive way he had of echoing the things I said.  I would say " I was longing to see you and he would say "as I was you"  I would say " you have a nice arse" and he would say "as do you" almost as a sort of overly gentlemanly friendly impulse that was not meant at all

And now I have this horrible post non-relationship hangover where I can't do anything. I just want to sleep and listen to audio books and I am bursting into tears all the time. His last text to me was "lets chat later" and since then he has ignored all my messages, as if perhaps helping me out by sending a clear message.  Your contact is an embarrassment.

I feel unwelcome here, in the country of my birth and I see no pleasure at all in going back to my adopted country. I have stuffed up on the work I was supposed to do here. I have failed and this is the beginning of the end work wise. I can't think of   one thing I want to go back for. He pushed me into this hole. I was quite happy before, and yet I think you and I both know dear reader that this was at some level my doing. I became obsessed, and I am feeding off it long after it is over. I desperately need to move on, but it has precipitated a deep grief in me which is unrelated. I guess, but all those months he was my ardent fan, and took an interest in my life, and now he has just withdrawn it because he feels threatened by my keenness on him, I should've just treated him mean right from the very beginning. So now he is ghosting me again.

What aspect of this fake friendship do I really want?

Well this isn't a very well written blog, but in closing maybe all I can do is console myself that his life is so chaotic, and he is so strung up over this woman that he literally has to sideline me to survive. And he feels a little embarrassed about having lead me on and the eventual outcome on my mental health. And I should respect him by giving him space.

What I think is that one way you can deal with ghosting is to kind of re write history. Just write yourself a little explanatory note or text of what they should have said and then over time just replace the huge ghosting void  in your mind with this better story/

He should've told me, when we met, that he left his wife on the hopes of forming a relationship with this woman "who is really perfect for him at every level and he has a deep and lasting connection with" rather than let me somehow fill the sexual gap for a month or two, He should've said when he was "really fed up" or struggling about his marriage that there was nothing I could help him with because there was a third person involved. Maybe I could've consoled him about her, or listened to him, but I wouldn't have debased myself by sexting or talking in a romantic way to him. Here are some more freaky fakey things he said

"I would like to meet your family"
"what have you done to me"
"one day you might like me as much as I like you"
"what would it take for you to move back here?"
"you are lovely"
"you are amazing"

He could've politely declined to have me to stay, I think he expected me to move out after the first morning when he said "you have some thinking to do" and I said "I've done enough thinking" he also said "maybe you should take your friend up on her offer of a place to stay" which at the time was my boss who I hardly knew and frankly I would rather stay with him. Yes maybe in his polite English way he was trying to chuck me out.  He could've bought a camp bed and told me you can stay on the camp bed before I arrived.

There is one last little batch of things that are about me that this triggered.
(1) I want to move back to my country of origin, and this gave me an excuse - although now this country of origin is making me a bit sick I don't know where  I fit in

(2) I hated that school I went to in year 11, and he made it all OK by presenting as a friendly person from my past

(3) I didn't realise I was lonely, until I had someone who texted me daily and took an interest in my life.

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