Sunday, January 29, 2017

Dear George

Well, one way I have found to cope with something that is hard to understand relationship wise is to tell the story, as sympathetically as possible from the other person's side. Up until last week even I was so broken, so changed by you with the feeling of nothing to live for that I wasn't able to do this but I think maybe I have finally got some perspective, and that this could finally comfort me (somewhat) the story of what *I* felt is separate. So here goes..

Your marriage ended, and between this happening and the divorce coming through, the woman that you really liked went a little colder on you. She had her own concerns and seemed to be locking you out. You felt very lonely. Then in walked me. You were vulnerable. Who knows maybe you were abusing some drug or other or maybe just alcohol but you told me we had a connection, when I left you said you were missing me you said you couldn't wait to be with me. This went on for a few months and we became close. You said I had been very good to you. Things got a bit intense and a sexual relationship seemed inevitable. Then maybe that lovely girl started paying you more attention. Relying on you and being close with you again, about this time you needed to scale me back but it was a bit late you had already asked me to come and visit. So there was a little bit of subconscious "hedging of your bets" at my expense. After all at this point you did really like me at least in a sexual way. You had fancied me at school and you had still liked me in a pub in London in January. For whatever reason you didn't tell me about the subplot until I arrived. This is one thing I think you could've done much earlier. Not hedged me, not led me on. So then I arrived and you told me as soon as you possibly could but instead of being absolutely clear about it though there was a little half-hearted fumbling. I think you could've set up a bed in your front room. It would've been disappointing, but I wouldn't have made a fool of myself. But you didn't.

Then contrary to what "It said on the box" you didn't introduce me to your friends. You deliberately locked me out which was sealing the deal on the notion that "I hardly knew you" despite the fact that we had been chatting most days and had become quite close. This was the second cruel and disorienting thing you did besides the hedging. I think you secretly hoped I would make alternative arrangements. You found me clingy, needy, insecure. You deliberately locked me out of your social circle claiming to be busy. But all the time you were tirelessly polite and hospitable.

In those months when we were close, I came to trust you. This was misplaced. So I opened up to you which was a mistake. After this the hatches were battened down, and friendship via social media, the only possible outlet, was closed.

Actually no, I need it to be less sympathetic. In fact though on the surface it seems innocent enough, it seems even that you were a victim. You were depressed and “struggling”. In fact you used me as a source of “supply” of what you needed. Emotional pick me up, sexual titillation and Love.

You used me to get over your unsuccessful rebound. You lied to me with your "can't wait to see you etc" and you're lovely etc. Those things could not be unsaid with a simple shrug of the Shoulder and gas lighting me into thinking I imagined it all. I have the texts. It was a classic bait and switch. This is the truth about you. You perceive me to be “lower than you” what do you have to lose? ok so you piss me off and give me a year of shit to deal with, but I’m not your boss, and I don’t pay your wages it is going to have zero repercussions so what is there to lose really. The mistake I make is thinking everyone is like me. They are not. Most creditably you could call this strategic but really it is game playing and manipulation.

You caused me some pain. Paradoxically what you think matters to me. The final act of kindness might be to recognise how harmless I am and not lock me out. As I said ages ago I'd settle for being a
friend or "big sister" figure as opposed to being locked out. My feelings for you which might've seemed base or lustful were quite the contrary I felt affection and sympathy. And I certainly wasn't in it for any sort of personal gain, or to get my hands on your filthy lucre or whatever.'

So we are now strangers again. And I am left forever wondering if I did something to piss you off monumentally, or if you just needed to stop feeding me to make me go away.  Either way i am crushed. You are Capricious and mercurial and you have given me a year of confusion to deal with.

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