Monday, July 23, 2007

Silent scream

Who to tell? Thank god for my blogging friends..

I have been in a sort of personal purgatory, visiting and revisiting the events of last year and trying to make sense of them, finally resolving to talk to someone and speaking to a counsellor who says "you tell who you like!" so I agonise over to whether to tell my mother. She has always been my chief confidante. I felt sure she would see something amiss, ask a few well directed questions and I would crumble and spill the beans. It was just a matter of which, and how many beans I would spill. So I prepared my responses in increasing levels of shocking detail.

It was almost a releif to find no questions whatsoever. But then

is she interested?
is she too busy?
how much more alone I feel

I find myself impatient when my family club together and try to resolve the minutiae of my life when they know nothing of the lumbering iceberg that lies just beneath my psyche, and are apparently now unable to detect it. I feel overwhelming sadness when my family, and particularly my mother, appear to be no longer on my wavelength.

1 comment:

Vic's Still Standing said...

I have always found it more helpful when I need insight to speak to someone who traveled the same journey a few years before me. My mom provides support in a different way: She loves me no matter what and provides unconditional support. However, she has no understanding of the problems I face. I reserve that deep talk for a friend who truly understands, or for a counselor. Good luck, Fiona. I have missed you.