Monday, August 11, 2008

Does my ass look guilty in this?

Since my last post a number of sequels have come into my mind. I usually don't put pen to paper until I have the thoughts well formed in my mind, but I think I need to take the taste of the spectacular misbehaviour away!! I got less comments than I expected. An ominous silence. Anyway here are the three possible sequels:

(1) Why I never need a counsellor again, and have reached serenity in my life
(2) How infidelity looks now I have tried it on for size
(3) Vote on my next step (in which I put up a reader poll and you tell me what to do)

So I will opt for number (2) with the others coming up shortly

My higher power, in their wisdom has brought me two pieces of reading material this weekend. The first was from a british newspaper. Why I cheated, inside the mind of an adulterer which tells the story of an affair from a man's point of view. The line that really was a wake up call for me came near the end where he describes the reaction when they were found out.
"Emma was stigmatized as a cheating spouse and a disloyal friend. People reacted less violently to my betrayal. The fact that I was a man seemed to make it easier to understand. But the societal condemnation of Emma, the woman, was brutal. It was too much for her. She went back to her husband"
He thought, as a man might, that he could have it all. Love his wife, and indulge his passion for her friend. The second was about sex and the dems by Michael Wolff in vanity fair in which he asserts that
"Men in public positions who have sneaky sex are weak. The very fact that they would risk their public positions for sex (just sex) is a sign of their weakness. "

It is clear to me sadly that when I move aside from the quasi-romance of being with someone from 20 years ago, and dreams of what may have been. The risk of being found out is too high. Apart from the damage to our small children. I am the one who has most to lose. I would be stigmatized and hated, he would at worst be considered "weak".


Cats-Paw said...

Though I'm a man I'm too much familiar with your story - the 2 ways society judge cases of love. I work as a consultant, with addicts, and to many times I struggle with them on their double morale - the woman is a slut and the man is... maybe he made a little mistake
hope you'll find the good sequel for yourself

Willow said...

I agree, that society has a double standard on the issue of cheating. That being said, I think what is most important is what it means to you, not what the outside world thinks. Easier said then done but it would be more beneficial to you.

I'm wondering if it is possible that you are focusing on what others think to avoid experiencing your feelings about it all. What if you suspend moral judgment and just allow yourself to know how this experience has affected you and what you can take away from it in the best possible way.

Most likely you will discover that there is good and bad in it. Sift through and take what helps you find your way...your way, not the world's way.

I liked that you said you discovered that you were not untouchable in terms of cheating. Often when we think we "can't" fall into something we do just that. I have not ever cheated but I absolutely think that I am as capable as anyone. Because I know that I pay attention to myself when I feel vulnerable. I don't take it for granted that it can't happen to me. It is humbling to me to know it even if I haven't done it.

Sorry that the lack of comments was difficult. I think it has more to do with the fact that those of us involved with sex addicts or are addicts have a multitude of varying emotions about can make it hard to know what to say over affairs.

Good, bad or ugly, lots and lots of people have had affairs so don't put a scarlet letter on yourself :)