Sunday, August 31, 2008

No smoke without fire...again

Well as you know my SA partner went into recovery for about 3 months (almost two years ago), declared himself healed, and defied me to discuss it with him, because I was too angry and it was not helping. I went on bearing a grudge and being quite angry and sad about it for about a year. Then I realised I could let go. Unfortunately I "threw the baby out with the bathwater" and stopped loving him as selflessly and freely as I could. And this laid the foundation for my own slip.

I resolved not to snoop on him, and that the evidence would come to me. So now it is coming in, and I still ignore it.

The browser history shows craigslist - I have never visited it. The phone bill has two receipts for an online adult chatline - when we were away - all of us. I find receipts in my car for fastfood and car parks, late at night in suburbs far away when I thought he was at work, and finally...he accidentally leaves himself logged in to his email, and so help me I take a look. Half a dozen flirty emails to women I don't know with among the seemingly light friendly banter words like "lick you" "pinch you".

And on the way home in the car, he sighs, tells me he is so sorry he is just not interested in sex... even cites a well known male problem.

So I replied - oh no doubt it would all be fine given the right conditions, and looked at his face in the half light - Dead Pan.

Funny thing is...I feel nothing...this is not a marriage....

8 comments:

woman.anonymous7 said...

I'm sorry. That sounds so painful. My thoughts are with you.

FI0NA said...

I may be reading more into it that exists. Or not. Really can't be sure.

soozey said...

It was hard to recognize what a mess I was in when I was inside of it too. The patterns that I fell into for so long with my ex-husband SA were so ingrained I thought it was normal, so I hear you.
The last sentence...this is not a marriage...resonated deep. I didnt figure that out until the marriage was over in a really dramatic spectacular way. Looking back I had no other frame of reference. But you seem to know, you seem to have such a good awareness. Dont discount your suspicions. Hell they are not even suspicions. Seem like facts to me. Thanks for writing.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for quite sometime. Hearing this just makes me mad. You know what you don't have (in a relationship), what you want, what he's doing to you and your son. And you stay because?
Right after my divorce someone told me " as hard as this is. it's better to be divorced than to wish you were"

Kate
k _ colo at hotmail . com

Willow said...

wow........sometimes i think they want you to know. no room really, for you to feel suspiscious. your findings seem factual to me......."lick you"?

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

That's just sucky, Fiona. Start to finish. Hugs to you. You're in my thoughts.

Rae said...

I'm sorry for your painful findings, so very sorry. Words seem insufficient.

Cat said...

how painfully bitter - I am sorry and will keep you in my thoughts. Cat