Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Driving For a Relationship, Lost in Transmission

I came back from my long holiday overseas to a glorious loving reunion (not). Luckily for me Connor is with his grandparents for a week, so I am completely free to get over the jet lag, catch up on work and spend time with my gorgeous partner Hamish.

Let's not sell Hamish short, whilst I was away he had my car repaired and put new tires on. With suitable prompting he picked me up from the airport and we spent the weekend together with lots of bedroom moments. Nice.

So on Monday I set off to work and my own apartment. But I am beset with this growing feeling that

Something is missing

... and we both know what that is don't we? LOVE is missing.

In the early days of our courtship I had high hopes.  I did and still do have feelings of incredible closeness and affection for this man. I am prepared to have my best shot at loving and supporting him through whatever life throws at him, and I accept him for who he is. Unfortunately evidence is suggesting that this is not reciprocated. So lets unpack that.

What evidence do you have, exactly?

The phone calls have dropped off:

From when we kissed goodbye on Monday morning to Thursday I haven't heard a bean. I am so disappointed in this particular instance because for once I am completely child free!!! for a week!!!! why would he not want to take advantage of that??

He never says he loves me
...and the one time I said it to him he responded with "so you should"(!).

He has become a bit of a bottomless pit with respect to my acts of service. 
I can make dinner, give him a back rub, drive him to and from parties, fix his computer the more I offer the more he takes...

He doesn't seem to want to go out with me. 
When I mention films/plays/dance he never has any interest. On the other hand when a partner is called for at weddings, birthday parties, bah miztvahs I am called in to be it, which is nice and I do enjoy that. He will eat out with me. It is all very visceral... sex and food. Together we attend to the needs of our bodies...

Why don't you call him
Well basically as things evolve I feel I am doing enough of the running as it is. Since my return he has not stayed at my apartment, if I want to see him I have to drive the 20 miles to his place. I already flatter him by telling him how great he is, rustling up meals for him, admiring his work, and he does none of this for me.  He occaisionally gives the indication that I am a bit of a ditz (yeah ditz Ph.D). He doesn't seem to respect my different intelligence and life experience.

Perhaps he just can't talk about his feelings? 
Must admit I can't respond to this one, but it seems unlikely. If someone mattered to you, you would find a way of telling them (other than shagging them senseless, wouldn't you?). The only thing I can say is that the acts of service/practical love have given me hope.
For noting, by the way, he is able to declare love and admiration to his dog. 

Why don't you just ask him how he feels and what he wants out of a relationship

I did ask him and this is what he said "Sex and companionship". It's disarmingly simple.

It's all starting to sound rather a lot like "She drives for a relationship, he's lost in transmission" except I believe, in his case he does know what he's doing... occaisionally he tells me (I'm not nice, I'm bad) or when I said I couldn't tell what he was thinking he said (I'm a man of mystery - yeah flatter yourself why don't you - I think you are a poor communicator Hamish)  Worst case scenario, it could be one of those cases of freeze your girlfriend out by treating her with indifference. He also called me "Soft and Sweet" too nice for you own good the other day. This is so entirely at odds with my self image (which I will save for another post)

On the upside I am almost certain his is monogamous. He may be fantasising or casually sniffing around for an alternative, but for the time being I'm it. He's told me so. He also let me log into and see everything on his computer which is not the act of a man who is hiding something. He is quite open with me.

I've dated some men with some interesting communication styles/foibles, but this one is new to me

So all up I still can't cobble together enough clear evidence to dump him, although my feelings of frustration are mounting to the point that I think the costs will outweigh the benefits in about 2 months. Any suggestions for somehow bringing it to a head - maybe I should propose... it's a leap year.... be careful what you wish for Fiona...

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