Saturday, February 04, 2012

[Guessing] Game Over

Yep after a long agonising evening of smalltalk Hamish finally plucked up courage to tell me he wants to put "us" (not even our relationship) on pause. Luckily there was quite a long chat and opportunity for me to get the things out I needed to say.

(1) That I have come to love him over these months
(2) That I won't be waiting around on a string until the pause button in unpaused
(3) To ask if my child got in the way (which apparently it didn't)
(4) To ask was part of the problem that  I am probably too old for us to have children together (apparently it isn't)

I was bemused though, he still apparently had every desire to take me to bed. I also pointed out I didn't want to be an FB as it "wouldn't be good for my self esteem" none the less I wouldn't have minded carrying on as we were, and I have lost a putative partner.  All the feelings of loss, abandonment, reduced self worth, fears for the future, that were there when my college boyfriend called it off, I realise, are still there - they are just muted, or suffocated, and, although I didn't know it then, I had more options in those days. Still having pretty skin and working ovaries. And I can't be properly single due to having Connor in tow. It is a very stifling feeling. That's for sure. I was never more than a bit of fun. Really.

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