Monday, April 16, 2012

the things I carried

Following on from my last post, I realise there are actually two things I've been carrying about (assumptions that I have held onto) that are no use to me any more - like furry lipsticks in my handbag (or at least two things that need dealing with)..and they are kind of analogous to each other

 (1) The notion that I could marry again should I want to

(2) The notion that I could return to my country of origin (COO)

Time just ran out on me, when I was busy living day-to-day. I established that this marriage option gave me [a chance at]

a) affirmation of my attractiveness
b) being a matched pair (companionship)
c) assurance for the future.

By analogy the option to go home gave me [a chance at]

a) genuine tangible family life (initially assumed to be provided by my dear husband and any children of that bond)
b) a sense of belonging
c) practical support from relatives in a blood-is-thicker-than-water type of sense (again thought to be supplied via marriage)

Oh my goodness, those two little sublists appear to have covered just about every basic human need apart from food and shelter. Further I deduce from the dependance of a) and c) on marriage that leaving your COO as a couple puts even more emphasis/weight on the marriage bond.
I think Simon knew this it was a quite deliberate running away from his family and setting me apart from mine to improve his power over me. But that's also another story
By contrast to the option of marriage, which is reduced statistically by age, the option to return to my COO is not quite so final. I can obviously go back on holiday (but there again I can take a holiday into marriage with a short no-strings dalliance), I have not been deported from COO. Also I am only held here by parenting responsibilities. My parenting responsibilities will take me through almost to retirement. So what is left that is worth carrying? Obviously food, shelter, gainful employment, friends, health, parenting, writing, art, music and quite a few other generic non-personal things. Is this a life worth living?

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