Thursday, February 28, 2013

If I had planned this

So here I am mid forties, parent of a grade-school child (conceived by IVF), Well/over qualified and working in a professional job in a country far from my country of origin.

Now, ya know, its not so bad. I get by. There's no pesky cheating husband to worry about, I can just about cope with my job. I think I'll be able to handle the mortgage and school fees if I stay in work. I can get him to and from school, attend performances pay for outside activities and child care when needed.

How about if I had actually aspired to this lifestyle? How would I have prepared myself?

Well I wouldn't have bothered with all that fruitless husband-chasing in my 20s. I would've kept all my relationships light, and rejected them ruthlessly if they tried to commit (probably resulting in a string of proposals - but no matter)

I wouldn't have carried a dead weight of a husband all through my 30s. I wouldn't supported him through graduate school.

No. I would've focussed on making and saving money for what I had planned. I would've bought a house within shouting distance of my parents. I would've had my eggs frozen and ruthlessly pursued my career from graduating at 21 to 36. I would've taken out life insurance, school bonds, income protection. Perhaps bought a home in my adopted country (although I can never see myself planning that) Then I would've had myself inpregnated by a handsome intelligent sperm donor at 37 cut back on work to focus on bringing up this child -whilst still keeping my hand in - the same as I am now, but financially healthier, and not tied to this country or my ex-husband. This plan would, quite likely have resulted in a less difficult (if not as good looking) child. One of the features that makes this alternate universe attractive is that I receive no money and little practical support from Simon, so I really would've lost nothing in that regard. But Connor would not have had any form of putative father.

The main thing that would've stood in the way of putting this plan into action (at the time) would've been the morality of it - to actually choose to be a single parent how crazy? ie make yourself some sort of fallen woman. But actually its a little deeper, it would be thumbing your nose at the notion of the family. A boy needs his father and a woman needs society, help and comfort from a man (many or most don't get that might I say) but there's the dream. And is a man with the label "dad" sufficient and complete. That a child at least knows where it comes from? Many dads do little more.

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