Monday, January 14, 2013

Flash in the Pan

What peaceful hours I once enjoyed!
How sweet their memory still!
But they have left an aching void
The world can never fill.

How to even begin this post. I haven't written since September. After which I became, if not happy, at peace with my situation. Bowing gracefully out of the race to snare a man in favour of being thankful for my child, my community, the ability to indulge in sad single-parent behaviours like sleeping in the same room as my child, my job, and how close it is to work and school.

Anyway one thing I resolved to do was increase my circle of friends and thus it was that one fateful Saturday morning I found myself with a non-threatening groups of bicycle bimblers amongst whom was HotTradie.

In the days and weeks following he made an intense and targeted attempt to win my friendship and my heart. He was completely there for me. And slowly but surely my cynicism turned to love.

At first I thought it was laughable like the proposal below (he didn't ask to marry me, but made sure I knew his intentions were honourable) and I thought this is plain ridiculous someone falling for me in this way at 47. 

But as it persisted, I began to enjoy being admired and began to think perhaps it was not too late for me. He was so very kind, consilatory, loving helpful and adorable that I soon felt the same way as him.

We took it slow having met in October we finally took Connor on holiday together in January. Connor typically behaved in a very entitled and high handed way and there were a few tantrums.

And after that, without warning  received a text saying he was not ready to raise someone elses child. He had done his parenting, and he was sorry he thought we shouldn't see each other any more, or just as friends and he still thinks I'm sexy.

Bewildered doesn't even come close. I feel unpleasantly tethered to the earth. I think somewhere in that (as it turns out hymn verse by cowper) the sensation is described. I have an aching void, that is possibly filled with helium, and if I could untie myself from earth and fly away I would because there is nothing and noone here (not even my son, maybe at this moment especially not my son) who can fill it.

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