Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Benign Indifference

Well, hot tradie, I am going to call you Seamus, because the whole thing has gone a bit like Hamish.

Hamish. He dated me for 9 months introduced me to his family took me out to parties. Studiously avoided telling me he loved me, or any sort of commitment. At one stage he did say he would like to find someone to grow old with. I would see him at least twice a week, once at his once at mine. He never prioritised me over his other engagements - dinner at pub with old friend or quiz night.

I interpreted his behaviour as follows:

(1) he was not able to talk about his feelings - perhaps even emotionally unavailable

(2) he did not want to form a lasting partnership with me right now, but I was, at the very least, a contender

What I now know is that his feelings were probably more along the lines of the following which I would describe as benign indifference.

(1) I was not unduly unattractive or irritating
(2) I was a handy and available way of getting laid
(3) I was good enough to pass the time with until something better came along.

All this done with no malice, if I were to put it like that he would probably deny it, but this really has to be the underlying premise that allows your to suddenly say.. It's not working for me, we got involved too fast, but you are an angel.

In short the classic tart with a heart 

Courtesty of the Daily Mail

I have recently woken up to something similar in my relationship with Seamus. He never prioritises me everything comes first. He will obviously pop round at 9pm after he has done overtime, helped his ex wife with the lawn/ pool/ moving the mattress. Fixed his son's car, done a 66km bike ride.. he never makes plans with me, and if he does 5pm often becomes 7pm whilst I wait around.

I think sometimes we work harder to please those we respect/love. So I bend over backwards to fit around his plans. but as another old cliche goes familiarity breeds contempt. So it is easy to make yourself the handy shag.

I need to care sufficiently little to say "no" to him occasionally. And if I am afraid that this will result in him leaving me. Well so be it. If he really loved or respected me he would fit around my plans.

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