Monday, December 11, 2006

No smoke without fire

Just after we moved in together, Neil left his phone on the kitchen bench and I saw a text message from a girl called April. To my shame, curiosity overcame me, and when I read it, I got more than I bargained for... Thanks for the sex last week, so enjoyed f**king you, lovely memory. I forwarded it to my own phone and deleted it. I was going to play strategically get myself and my son out of the house, and then confront him with it, but in the next few hours, an argument flared up (in front of Connor). I told him it was over between him and me, because I knew he was sleeping with someone else.

He denied it, and said it was just a stupid text message - for all he knew I had sent it myself just to create a reason to leave. And, after all, how many times had I sent a message to the wrong person??? - "April", whoever she was, was probably drunk.

"you're a very good liar" I said, whereupon he took an office chair and repeatedly threw it to the ground smashing it to smithereens. I was in tears, and my dear little son was trying to comfort me by passing me a soft toy. The reason for this outburst was that he, Neil, hates one thing more than anything else in the world...being falsely accused.

My son was with his father that weekend, and I spent the weekend in a hotel trying to work out a strategy. Neil had told me I needed to give him 6 hours notice if I wanted to come back to the house - it was his home, and I had no rental agreement. He removed all the money from our joint bank account (presumably so I couldn't rip him off as well as falsely accuse him)

For some reason (probably nowhere else to go) I moved back in with him. I had made a booking for a removals van, but Neil checked my phone and confronted me with it, and I cancelled it. All the rental properties I had applied for had turned me down.

In the months that followed, he dealt with the problem by always having his mobile phone turned off when I was around. He didn't want anything as stupid as that to come in the way of us again. He told me he loved me several times a day. I gave him the benefit of the doubt - recalling that I had occasionally sent an sms to the wrong person - although doubting I would've fired one off with that sort of content without double checking it first. The topic came up a few times, usually ending with him being angry. I even asked him what he would do if I received something like that. He said he would be vigilant for a while and then let it go.

4 months later I received an email from someone I didn't know...

Dear Fiona , A friend of mine from your workplace said that you are seeing or were seeing Neil Brown. I was just wondering if this was true as I may have information that you may be interested in. kind regards, April.

Could this be the same April? and what could she have to tell me?

In a few days I got the answer.

Yes it was the same girl, yes she had bonked him in August and furthermore had been doing so ever since the last time being after the work Christmas party (December 1st) when I had left early to take my son home. She sent me dozens of (quite explicit) emails between the two of them. The timing of their liasons also shows that on the days he (oh so generously) dropped my son off at daycare, he visited her on the way back to work. And on the nights when I struggled home on public transport with my son and all our bags, he used my car to go and visit April.

In some way my whole world crumpled. In this time we had bought a dream home together, and we had been trying to have a baby together. His lies are unfathomable. He had made a huge fuss about me meeting an ex- boyfriend from 15 years ago (who happened to be in town although he now lives overseas) for a coffee, and all the time he had been carrying on with April, with his phone switched off to protect our relationship from ME, MY suspicious mind, and MY false accusations.

I haven't posted for a while because I am in shock. After all I have been through, I am so tough, very little touches me now, but this??? how am I going to uproot my son again?? I could stay and put up with it, but I am not a kept woman, and most people would say I do not have to. He has disrespected me and lied appallingly. He, despite his protestations to the contrary, is not a good man.

I have put my life savings into the house. The cost of moving there was enormous. I will suffer a huge financial loss if I try to get out.

I was already facing Christmas without my boy, since he will be with his dad and new girlfriend, I was hoping for a romantic time with Neil, but now I am frankly repulsed.

I am being strategic this time and not telling him that I know, but frankly I am at a loss as to how to proceed.


sole said...


I know that soon will come the day when we'll get to read, through your writing, that all that pain is finally in the past.
You need to clean your soul first. Try to do it before you get involved again.

sole said...

Hi Fiona, I was just thinking how were you. I hope you're better.

Listen, here in Chile, we think that 2007 will be the best year of all.

Regards from Valparaiso.


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Glad you found my blog so that I could find yours. So much here is eerily familiar. And what hasn't happened in my own relationship I have heard about from others in recovery groups I have been in...

If Neil is not in recovery or therapy, things are only going to get more insane. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts -- and your blog in my Google reader. ;)