Thursday, November 23, 2006

Why did I marry him?


In trying to come to terms with my divorce, I have been back to retrace my steps, and to try to climb inside my 23 year old skin and discover why I married him. It is like trying to see through a frosted glass, I do not recogonise my former self.
It is true: "The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there". L. P. Hartley ['The Go-Between', 1953]

Sorry Diana - I just needed someone else who began their marriage with big dreams...

I had this belief that I never really loved him. I recall on the eve of our wedding, "knowing" it was "so wrong" but wondering how I could possibly get out of it, and then putting it down to nerves. My diaries tell another story.

The night I met him "He was this most beautiful blonde haired boyish type with a refreshingly idealistic approach to life".

Later "This feels so right, I'm sure god couldn't deny me the pleasure of such a beautiful relationship" (yes god was still in my life in those days, and I hadn't had sex for over a year)

"I felt completely love sick all day"

" It's really no effort at all to get on with Simon. Now I realise what I've been missing and how I've sold myself short. Its all very well loving someone unconditionally, but it means a lot to be loved back equally (I feel like this whenever I meet a new person, and this time I had actually found someone who loved me)

"It is hard to believe he is so understanding an kind in everyway"

I was a christian, and getting lots of pressure from my christian parents to do the right thing, marry and settle down. I wanted a good christian marriage. I met someone who loved me for a change, having spent a lot of time falling in love with people who just wanted a shag. It was about love, it was about doing the right thing, and it was about not having to play field anymore, which I found punishing and bruising

I married him straight away, and less than a year later, how the picture had changed.

"Simon has become unbearably grumpy this week, things are getting really bad, I only put up with it because I know I have to"

"I had no idea when I married him, how mean (as in tight fisted) he was, he won't let me even buy a pair of shoes for a job interview and all I have is walking boots or flip flops"

"I also know that marriage is about security, being often as not financial security provided by the man. Marriage provides a stable environment for bringing up children. It is now apparent that these will never be part of the arrangement. Perhaps I fooled myself into thinking that they would fall into place"

Thus 6 months in, the seed of a problem that would end the marriage was planted. He didn't want kids, and he couldn't hold down a job. The underlying reason being, which neither of us knew at the time, that he had a mental illness.

On the upside (for him), I believed that splitting up with someone you weren't married to was sad, but divorcing was a crime against God. I hung in there for 15 years as my Christian faith slowly faded, and would no doubt have hung on for grim death if a few dramatic things had not rocked our sad little marriage boat.

4 comments:

sole said...

Is it ok if I link your blog in mine?

I think there are no bloggers that tell their own stories like you do.
I'd like you to visit me.
...if you understand spanish.

Sole from Chile.

FI0NA said...

Sure, I'm new to this so not sure how linking works. I'm glad you think I tell my story well. Actually *need* to get it out : )

sole said...

we need an update!!

j macam said...

divorce, a crime to God? what if you married the wrong guy? what if it turned out later you married a psycho? read my blog.
www.driftingsand.blogspot.com
my parent are still together. both of them are very old now. mom was never happy with her married life. even until now she had a hard time dealing with dad. so whats the point of carrying the burden? when we are not happy, we become less productive and negative thoughts comes in.. get a new life.