Thursday, February 15, 2007

If you love him, forgive him, if you don't go

Another thing I've learnt about myself, I sit on the fence. I simply am not ready to make the decision in the title.

A part of me says "Life is an adventure, who cares what happens I will be able to deal with it when it comes"

Why is it that although we've been together over a year, I don't know him. I still have to supress beliefs that he is a sociopathic woman hater. I don't trust him, I trust the mailman more and in my darkest fears he is a predator.

I spent hours trawling the web looking up Misogyny...
Then decided it was more likely Masculism..
I identified with the experience of those married to someone with Borderline Personality Disorder...
Feeling I was undoubtedly in the clutches of a skilled Manipulator or a Narcissist....
and faced the possibility of Sociopathy....

There are elements of all of them in him, but he is not any of them specifically. Finally I look at myself, perhaps the most scary possibility.. it is just me that is Mad, over-reacting and hormonal?

Yet I choose to stand back and take and academic interest, when am I going to get that signal that is so clear, this is not my problem, I have to go? or will things improve?

How about this. Either he is telling the perfect truth, when he goes off for a drive, or works late that is precisely what he is doing, or it is an even more elaborate cover up than before, previously when I became suspicious, he became angry and swore that he could not possibly have done anything in the time/was too sick/ any woman he may have met would've been working etc. but I found this out to be untrue.

If the second turns out to be true. Why does he insist on messing with my head and lying to me? I find it to be demeaning, insulting and disrespectful.

Given his history and his addiction, it is slightly more likely that he has upped his game and is now finding better ways of covering up. If this is true how should I react to play him at his own game. Options include; Cheat myself, have him followed/track him, go with him, just leave the relationship. or disengage.

One thing is for certain, obsessing about it is not healthy for me. One article I found usefule for getting my head straight was this. But so far the best I can do if I opt to stay, is disengage.

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