Monday, May 05, 2008


I really hate to post about sex addiction, because it is one of the darker and more private parts of my relationship with my partner. And if anyone recognised me here, it would be something I would not want to share with my friends and family. But here I go...

I generally prefer to think of his (self diagnosed) sex addiction, as just an affair or final fling before he settled down with me. However, recently I read some stuff about alcohol addiction and how the addict lies and justifies their behaviour, and one particular style of justification that I had all but accepted from him has taken on a new light. Here is the argument which I have almost been forced to accept.

Women are equal to men. If they say they are happy to have a relationship that is "just sex" then who is the man to "nanny them" and probe further. If they are lying to themselves, and actually want a relationship, why should the man try to second guess them? this is an insult to their intelligence and personal autonomy.

However, when it is also obvious to said man that the woman's feelings have changed and he goes on treating her like a f**k buddy, perhaps it is time to look at himself, is it possible that this logical and quite elegant (feminist almost) argument is a justifying cover up for an addictive behaviour?

More generally, I think in this post-feminist era it is becoming obvious that casual sex has more to offer men than it does women, but I could be a prude.

I should also add that I am stressing about some behaviour in my partner that took place before I met him (with one exception I know about) see here

I would appreciate some general moral/philosophical/ethical direction on that one.


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I went back and reread the previous post -- and my comment. Look at me -- all up in your face telling you how things are!

I'm struggling with the idea of casual sex -- I'm wondering if it's healthy for anyone -- men or women -- even when they both say they are ok with it. Don't know.

BizyLizy said...

Hi Fiona,

I've just spent the past half hour or so reading your blog.

I, too, am dealing with the effects of sex addiction, betrayal, and severe heartache. Reading your story is helpful to me. You are obviously a very intelligent, insightful woman. I admire your candor & style.

As for casual sex...

I read recently that a woman's body creates a "bonding hormone" (oxytocin, I believe) after an orgasm. This is the same hormone a woman's body release after giving birth. Men, on the contrary, create a hormone that ignites a protectiveness, or territorial feeling.

So, while a woman is reinforcing a bond over repeated "casual" sex, the man is marking his territory.

Pissing on a tree, if you will.

Not to say casual sex can't be successful. It's just that it's truly two entirely separate animals for men and women.

Women need to learn to disengage in order to not feel somehow connected after the act of sex. While men seem to have no problem doing this.

FI0NA said...

MPJ you have no idea how much that "its not healthy for anyone" comment soothed me. I spent the day feeling OK for the first time in ages. For just a day it was OK to be a "prude" and aim to live an authentic sweet, gentle innocent monogamous love live.

woman.anonymous7 said...

I have my doubts about healthy people choosing casual sex. I wouldn't say it's morally wrong for people to have casual sex, but I think it's often if not always a choice made in response to something negative.

Ultimately it comes down to an individual choice I think. If it's not right for you, it's not right for you, no mater who (society, your lover, your friends, magazines, etc) tells you otherwise.

Vic's Moving On said...


I realized after my last relationship that I could not continue having casual sex. The gentleman I was with did nothing to further the relationship outside of the bedroom. I have too much self-respect to be used like that. In addition, I need to be emotionally connected in order to be in the relationship. There was none. End of relationship. End of story. At this point, I have been too busy to miss the sex, but I might sing a different tune when I resurface for air.

Willow said...

There really is no such thing as casual sex, IMO. Sex is powerful and meaningful even if the other person is nameless and faceless. I don't think it is healthy for anyone to have casual sex. Sex is never just "sex". My feeling has nothing to do with being a prude and I suspect yours does not either.

FI0NA said...

I had another insight about this "fuck buddy" post. Yes he knew they had fallen for him, and carried on (what an old fashioned prude might call) "using them" for sex. Justifying it with they know the score, they are not stupid! they can get out whenever they want! Another side to this, that he probably was aware of but didn't acknowledge, it that it is great to have someone besotted with you! it's a power trip! They will do anything for you! and you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, because you don't love them back.