Sunday, July 03, 2011

Haunted by ghost baby

As you know I am in a relationship (or am I just having sex with?) a lovely 47 year old man. By the time my period arrived this month, after all the good sex we have been having I had all but convinced myself I was pregnant. This in itself is one thing, but what perplexes or surprises me, is that *I still want this* How can I still want this? I am 45 years old, I would not be able to dance at its 21st birthday, I would not see my grandchildren grow up. Three thoughts come hard on the heels of this revelation.

(1) Am I doing it for him - he has never had kids and would like them. Am I afraid he will run off with someone younger to have kids?

(2) How did my life go so fast? I always wanted a family, and I knew that did I let it pass me by?

(3) I begin to have very strong intimations of babies, singing my baby to sleep, holding it, smelling it. How I loved being a new mother. I am haunted by the babies I never had, or lost. Once again it revisits me and is unbearable..

Which in turn leads to two more thoughts:

(a) How rich the life must be of other women who have experienced this not, once, or twice, but three times, and have a family around their table including a faithful loving husband and how thin my life is by comparison

(b) How lucky I am to have experienced it once - for all the women friends, and those I don't know who by bad luck or accident missed out on being mothers when they wanted to be. Love.

And all through this haunting lullaby is playing. I can't find it on the web, but I remember singing it at school I think it was an african lullaby.

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