Monday, August 15, 2011

Attack and Withdraw

The morning after my marriage ended (having slept for the first time in separate beds) I headed off to the track to do some training. I spent most of the morning choking back tears. But probably what I didn't write in the I'm replaceable post was that I did feel a lot of relief. I had spent literally years bending myself to his will and I didn't know who I was anymore. I was not afraid to be alone, even with a small child, and I was sure I would still meet the right person and it was also OK if I did not. I had to some extent been railroaded into the decision to end the marriage. After years (on my part) of subtle and not subtle questioning, begging and even threatening to leave in an attempt to get him to change, and after years of receiving nothing but a stone wall. He performed the ultimate act of power. He simply pulled the plug - no explanation, no complaint. And this modus operandi has continued to this day. In all negotiations around Connor, he stonewalls me and witholds all information. I understand this is known as pursue and withdraw. And you can see in this you tube video the effect this type of emotional withdrawal has on a baby. But Simon says everytime I engage with him, I attack him and he can't stand it. From my point of view it is communication. For instance he has connor for one night per fortnight. Last time, connor did not sleep at his house, but went to a friends house for a sleepover with his kids. To avoid being accused of attack, I say nothing at all, but leave it to Simon's judgement. However I do think this is not quality time with his child, and I personally do not feel trust for the person he left him with. He's a [occasionally dope] smoker. But what might I say so as not to devalue Simon?

Just to let you know, Connor has told me, and I am aware, he did not spend the night in your care, but at your friend Damiens. I had sincerely hoped that the resumption of nights at your place would be an opportunity for you to bond. But I respect your judgement. Fiona.

Even that sounds attacking doesn't it?

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