Monday, November 20, 2006
Break me once, shame on you, break me twice, shame on me
My husband was a self centred, snobbish, ineffectual fop. So it seems my subconcious sought out the exact opposite. A needy, jealous, violent, arrogant misogynist.
I am sorry to have to report this to you, and I apologise sincerely to myself and my son.
I have never been so terrified of another person as I was this morning. I have never had such a dry mouth I couldn't speak, been trembling and shaking so I couldn't move, and I have never felt that to climb out of a moving car would be safer than staying in it. And nobody has ever let me weep, beg and debase myself and continued ruthlessly to disparage and put me down.
I have always been appalled at men that put their wives down in public, but I now beleive this is far more honest than doing it in private. The dear friends that see it can acknowledge what is happening and hold out a (silent if necessary) lifeline.
Those who act the loving, affable, and decent public and break their partners in private are contemptable. And this is what both my life-partners have in common. I had thought of this as an advantage - you can take them anywhere, everyone will love them etc etc. But the price you pay....
...and once again, even though there is noone listening out there, I know, I DO have control over this, I am letting it happen to me.
Shame on me.