Thursday, November 09, 2006

I'm replaceable!

When our marriage came to an end. Quite apart from the fact that we had a good sex life, he decided that a line should be drawn in the sand, and moved into a separate room. A couple of days later (whilst we still seemed to be cohabiting in a frosty yet cooperative way) he asked me if it was OK if he went out on Friday night ( we usually asked each other since we had a little 18 month old son to look after).

"Who with?" said I
"Oh a chick wants to meet me for coffee" he replied

mind whirring now

"is it someone from rock climbing"
"from your organic gardening group
"no" he said
" actually I met her on the internet"

So whilst we were still living under the same roof, and the sheets were still warm on my side of the bed, he had gone on the internet looking for a new love. This shocked me most of all, that after 15 years I was so utterly replaceable, he had been down in the basement, using a computer I had bought him, to try to meet someone new. I felt commoditised.

I thought we might spend those few days/weeks contemplating our decision, making sure it was the right one, finding some way to recover emotionally before moving on.

That Friday when he got back from the "date" he was aglow. Finally someone who listened to him, finally a bit of fun.

I spent the night in our over-soft spare room bed tossing and turning, not sure how this new reality could possible settle with me.

The next day at training, I was close to tears whenever anyone spoke to me. But funnily enough that was it for the tears, can you beleive? I never cried over him again, he moved out, and I felt nothing but relief.

And he didn't end up staying with that date but within 2 months he had found someone else and moved in.

He didn't need me, he just needed someone.

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