Friday, September 24, 2010

The gut instinct

Well here I am on date 3 and he still hasn't tried to kiss me. I think this is good. Because now I have this horrible intuition about myself that I fall in love too easily. The moment I get "that kiss" he will become my partner and I will rearrange my life around him. Please no! but Please how??

I also need to take careful account of my initial feelings here and record them. But before I do a little SA spotting digression

I was trying to develop a clear measure of what it was that Neil, and Ex23 did on those first dates that made me feel uneasy. Here is one example, which is of course triggering for anyone who's been with an SA. They asked me to describe to them, in detail, if I ever made myself come, and if I did how I acheived it, exactly. And they both would've asked this on the first or second date. And do you know a funny thing, I told them, even though in 16 years of marriage what we did in private, and in the absence of each other, (or anyone else!!!) remained a closed book for Simon and I. I did sometimes ask him if he helped himself out you know, but he was very reluctant to share and I didn't push it and he never asked me. Yet we had a very happy and regular sex life.

OK so here'd be my intuitions on the new man - lets call him John

(1) He's a little bit controlling.

(a) He made this remark that if anyone tells him to do anything he absolutely will not do it but if they ask him, more than happy. I think at some level that is normal, but will it be an eggshell type of thing where you have to ask in the right way for fear of accidentally barking an order???
(b) He always rings if he's like 2.5 minutes late, or indeed if you are. Puctuality is clearly very important.

(2) He's a bit repressed aka a cold fish- although anyone would seem that way after being with an SA. He doesn't give much away, and he hasn't even tried to brush my hand, let alone hold it, or kiss me, but he keeps asking me on "dates" maybe we are just friends? In the past though if a fellow thought there was no chemistry I have been summarily brushed off after 1 or at most 2 dates.

(3) He may be a mommy's boy. I actually think this is less toxic than hating your mother. However he cancelled our first date to take her somewhere, and he is again not calling today because he is with her. She is old and a widow, so I guess she deserves some support. But I wonder could this ever come between us? Simon's mother could do no wrong, but this would appear to be a new level...

(4) He's never had kids and never wants them, so very much so that he has actually had a vasectomy - we did talk about that. Which is fine, unneccessary on my account since I am functionally infertile anyway, but two questions. Is is a symptom of the aforementioned control? does he want to make damn sure no woman spawns with him and steals his assets? and most importantly, if we did get in a relationship what, if any are the implications for Connor? he doesn't want his own kids why would he want someone elses?

So for the record, that's the summary of gut reactions. Is is bad? should I run, hold hands what???

ps another thing that has helped me deal with Ex23 the last couple of days is this


Bernadine said...

Hey Fiona,

I would just say trust your instincts. If he seems like a cold fish to you, and not when putting it through a "what other people would think" filter, that's important.

Also, some of what you say about him not holding your hand, etc., reminds me of when I started dating my husband. It took him a month to make a move. But when he did, it was zero to 60-- we kissed and had sex the same night, first time's all. What I found out later is that he had just been with a prostitute-- so he used his sickness to even be able to make a move on me. Gross. And I wasn't comfortable with how far we went-- but brushed it off.

The Mom thing-- my husband was a total Momma's boy. (he's Irish.) The dysfunction I saw between him and his Mom explains so much of what went wrong in his childhood, to me.

Anyway, those are just my husband's issues-- I'm not saying those must be your new dating situation. But you know-- honor yourself and you can't go wrong.

Anonymous said...

Trouble is I really can't tell. I think being able to assume he is a normal individual and not pathologize his every move is a good thing. Probably he has been burnt before and is just trying to establish some form of baseline friendship. And it is very good because although I may be disappointed if it fizzles I won't be as dissapointef as I would be had we gone further.