Saturday, July 31, 2010

Husband-Missing (Or missing the spot where he used to be)

It started as a commment on Et Tu Husband then it just blew out into great big thing that was all about me so I decided to admit it and make it a post. Bernadine was admitting that in one aspect she missed her husband. Now I think I am through the frank outright missing my husband phase... I've had the rebound relationship...etc.... but I was having a similar (or sort of aligned) thought about Simon today

Here's the thing:

He still feels at liberty to laugh at me - calling me a cougar (for no discernable reason) or suggesting my latest craft endeavour is a substitute for sex. In fact Anything I confide in him, or try to negotiate like an adult, he turns into a joke - like an annoying little brother. Sometimes even using a little high mocking voice. (e.g. "whooo! little bit touchy there" when I asked him not to go through my drawers ostensibly looking for something for Connor)

Today I was trying to work out why it annoyed me so much, and it was this. We USED to laugh at each other and that WAS fine, because we knew deep down that we loved each other and were there for each other. Now this trust is long gone, and I can't rely on him, I don't love him, and he irritates me intensely. I no longer feel that is is appropriate for him to laugh at my expense because he's not giving me the safety net for my fragile ego. He is no longer. as one commenter put it, a safe compassionate witness to my life experience.


Bernadine said...


I absolutely get this and understand why you would have such a strong reaction. It sounds like he's not listening to your boundaries at all, is he? Laughing at you when you've stated a very reasonable boundary about your own space-- yeah, sounds like that would be super triggering, especially in knowing your history and how of course, in a loving relationship, a little bit of laughter at each other would be fine.

I don't have to interact with my husband anymore, so I can see why your experience around this is so different. I think if I did have to see him/talk to him still, I would probably feel a very similar way as you describe here.

He isn't your safe place anymore. And it sounds like having to see him still just rubs it in your face that he is not, and maybe never was, someone who deserved your trust.


FI0NA said...

I thought some more about it after I wrote it. And came up with this. How on earth am I supposed to engender behavior modification in my husband NOW, it was hard enough when we were together. The ONLY bargaining chip I now have is our child ie respect my boundaries or you can't see your son, and I think that is just totally inappropriate. He never respected my needs when we were together and he sure as hell won't now.

RockiBottom said...

i am still married and no longer feel comfortable with laughing at each other. somehow the teasing feeling has gone out of it and it just feels like personal slams against each others character now. i certainly wouldn't tolerate it from my ex.